Monday, July 13, 2015

Segregated splash parks OR "Why Beachwood, why?" cried my four-year-old

I used to blog all the time, but I don't so much anymore because no one wants to read a blog exclusively about kid stuff, and that's all I ever do. I think back fondly on what it was like to have hobbies and interests and find that I can't really remember. I'm not complaining, just explaining why I'm terminally boring now. What I'm saying is: I don't know how to blog any other way anymore. For example: At church this past Sunday our youngest son puked bright orange sweet potatoes all over Wifey’s black dress and she had to spend the rest of the service looking like Halloween. That's a bloggable event for me now.

But we love our boys and we love summer and so we try and take them to the splash park as often as we can. You may not know this but little kids flip for splash parks, and watching your children splash around is practically a cure for cancer. Our little suburb has a good pool, but the really affluent suburbs around here have their own exclusive splash parks.

Aerial view of center

In terms of rubbing it in, the worst offender is a town called Beachwood. We can see their splash park, nay splash complex, from the street but one can only go in if one has a SPLASH PARK PHOTO ID.We drive through Beachwood all the time and Junior always wants to go to their park because it looks AMAZING and GLORIOUS. And I have to tell him that he can never go in. Thanks a lot Beachwood. You're breaking my son's heart, you wieners.

Isn't this America? Don't we have a constitutional right to splash? I'm sure that's in there somewhere. And I get that the residents pay the taxes to build and maintain the park and so forth, but we'd gladly pay extra for admission as non-residents. Doesn't that sound fair? Come on, Beachwood. Be reasonable. I guess if you let one poor family in, you'd have to let them all in, and then you'd have a full-blown infestation on your hands, so I totally get it.

Wifey and I are always planning how to break in. Maybe we wait in the parking lot and beat up another family of four that looks like us and take their stupid Beachwood photo IDs? My wife and kids are pretty good in a fight, it might work. I could also boost Wifey over the fence and then throw the kids over to her. Or maybe I could slip the disinterested teen girl who is working the door $50 to look the other way while we sneak in. Then again, $50 is probably nothing to a teenager from a rich neighborhood and it's not like I have $50 just lying around.

Even if we could sneak in, we wouldn't stay long. Surely as soon as we hit the water someone would recognize us and yell, "These guys aren't rich! Take them away!" and then guards would come out or something.

And that would be the end of our elitist aquatics.