Monday, June 2, 2014

He's the boss and is not going to take any of your parental crap

Junior is all potty trained now, and oddly enough he likes to go in public places. He also likes to tell everyone in the bathroom about his accomplishments.

He likes to go if he gets bored or wants to get out of doing something. He knows we will instantly drop everything and spring into action when he says, "I pooping." Consequently we have to discern between real bathroom requests and fake ones, which is a dangerous game. A false positive means I run the bathroom and for no reason, but a false negative means that I will be cleaning out some toddler underwear.

We were at a restaurant the other night and he asked to go. Things were going pretty well and then disaster struck.

He had finished going and I washed both of our hands and handed him some paper towels. I turned around to grab some paper towels for myself and when I turned back I saw that my son was headed directly for a urinal. "Don't touch it!" I yelled, which was pointless because an almost-three-year old will do stuff you ask him not to do just to show you that he's the boss and is not going to take any of your parental crap.

Here I shall pause to give you an example: If we pull something out of the oven and say, "Don't touch it, it's hot," my son will inevitably say, "No, it's cold," and then make every effort to touch whatever it is that will burn the crap out of him. This is the type of child I'm dealing with.

So before I could stop him he plunged both hands into the urinal I yelled "NOOOOOOOOO!" which startled him, and he pulled his hands out. Then - for no discernable reason - he touched his dripping hands to his face. It all happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

If someone had come into the bathroom at that moment they would have seen a man frantically trying to give a toddler a HAZMAT shower in a small sink, the top half of the toddler covered in a frothy layer of foamy antibacterial soap and hand sanitizer with the toddler howling bloody murder.

So please welcome the newest member of our family: Hepatitis.


  1. Hilarious. I had this weird conversation with the janitor at school about urinal cakes...I didn't know what they were. At least Junior didn't go for those.

    1. Yeah if he had had a urinal cake in his hand, I don't know what I would've done.

  2. What!! Baby #2?? Congrats. :-)

  3. I laughed so hard I almost cried. Maybe he'd go for the deal I struck with #3, if you touch nothing while we are in the bathroom I won't make you wash your hands. She fears the air driers so our deal works thus far. :)

    1. It might work, although this kid loves danger and I think he thinks the hand dryers are kind of scary and dangerous, so he loves them. Weirdo.

  4. You have a case of obstinate-defiant on your hands. I raised one of those. He turned out all right, but even at age 34, don't tell him not to do something because he will do it.


  5. I am laughing although I know I'm inevitably going to be in your shoes shortly. Our little angel just turned one. His new response to everything is yes. I say no, he screams yes. I say don't touch that, he screams yes. It's fun really. Congrats on #2. I look forward to future posts on dealing with two toddlers... lol.


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