Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Manifesto Manifesto feat. Restaurants

This is what we'll be eating now.

Recently I’ve read a couple of manifestos posted online from people who proudly proclaim that they don’t want to have kids ever, and also an article about a restaurant banning kids. As a proud parent, it got me thinking...

To the No Kid manifesto people: I guess I don't understand why writing an internet manifesto is necessary. Maybe No Kid people feel like they have to write something to defend themselves because you have felt judged by the Pro Kid people, and that’s not right. There should be no judgment going either way. If someone doesn’t want to have kids, that is fine with me. I would never ask anyone if they plan on having children because A. it’s none of my business, and B. they might desperately want to have children but they can’t due to infertility or other issues, and way to bring it up, jerkface.

Something that bothered me in some of these online declarations were a few smug intimations that people who choose not to have children are somehow better or smarter than those who choose to have kids. I don't think that's true and I think we should all probably accept the fact that the Pro Kid people and the No Kid people have different ideas and expectations, and that’s OK. Some people want to have awesome careers and travel; other want to get covered in throw up and lose massive amounts of sleep. Some people think you can do both; others swear it’s one or the other. Either way: it’s fine.

Also, I imagine that No Kid people probably get sick of Pro Kid people always talking about their kids, and I acknowledge that we parents talk way too much. Sorry. Parenting takes up so much time – like, an insane amount of time – that your former hobbies and interests get pushed into the background. If I post too many pictures of my kid on Facebook, I’m sorry. I don’t mean anything by it. Just make it so I don’t show up in your news feed, that’s what I’ve done to any of my friends who post conservative gobbledegook.

To the restaurant people: I hear you, man. We’ve all seen nightmare kids at restaurants. However, there are lots of well-behaved children with parents who are trying their best, and they might want to come to your restaurant some day. Kids need to eat too.

It feels weird and a little discriminatory to me that some places are starting to ban children. If we’re banning people based on age, who else will be banned? “Old people are shaky and they spill everything, and they always forget what they ordered, so: BANNED.” (Hyperbole, obviously.)

Maybe these restaurants could do things on a case by case basis, like asking parents of unruly kids to get control of their kids or leave.

Or stop serving macaroni and cheese.


  1. I love this post.
    Good idea, I need to hide all the "conservative gobbledgook" on my facebook feed.

  2. AMEN to all of this. Whether people have kids (and when) is nobody's business — and I agree that banning kids is akin to banning old people (which nobody would ever do).

  3. "When are you going to have another one?" This used to irritate me as well. I'm glad I'm old now and people have given up.

  4. I've always had the same questions: Who will be banned next? The developmentally disabled? They sometimes behave in a rather childlike manner. Maybe someone will ban me for having pink and blue hair. I always took my children to restaurants. We never had a serious problem, but we didn't go places that spend six hours serving three courses. When The Hurricane was a mere Storm Cloud and was seated in a highchair with a metal tray, she banged her spoon on the tray. I said quite loudly, What's everyone looking at? Everyone laughed, and that was that. I'm tired of "banning".


  5. Instead of banning kids might I suggest folks who talk on their cell phone, smell bad, rude take cuts in line in front of you, heavily tattooed and or pierced (scary looking) with all the chains and dog collars, truckers (one cut me off, okay several cut me off, pull out in front of you very slowly, and then they tail gate you and then there’s the want-a-be’s TRUCKER’s that have a dual everything longer than a school bus and park in the compact car spots and beat the crap out of your car with their massive doors okay, so I got off point a little), any way how about those old people with walkers and $50 in a coin purse paying 1 cent at a time and debating each charge. You know when you get right down too it a lot of folks are a lot less pleasant to be around than kids. Nothing against old people I’m turning into one, but they have to go if the kids go, because if you’re being biased against folks because of their age you have to include them. They drool, wear bibs, and are loud. You ever set next to a couple of folks up there in the years and listened to them try to communicate or rather yell at each other, and that’s if they’re not mad at the other for forgetting to get the senior discount etc.


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