Sunday, August 19, 2012

"My Eyes Burn"

Remember when I used to post regularly? Ah, those were the days. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve been really busy, and when it rains, it pours. I was cramming frantically for my Stats final and we were in the process of moving when our car broke and then, to top it all off, my insides broke.

I woke up at 3 a.m. with a terrible pain in my side. I tried to go back to sleep but I was kept awake by the steady throbbing. I called in sick to work in hopes of sleeping off whatever it was.

“I can't come in today,” I told my supervisor. “I have, uh, a pain in my side.”

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,” said my supervisor. “Sure you do.”

By midday I still couldn't sleep and I was still hurting, so my kindly wife diagnosed me on WebMD.

“Appendicitis,” she announced after carefully logging all my symptoms into the computer.

I told her that WebMD was crap, but when 7 p.m. rolled around and I only felt worse, I started to think that WebMD and my wife might be onto something. We left Junior with my parents and headed off to the Emergency Room.

If you know anything about emergency rooms, you can do the math: we went in at 7 p.m. and we didn't get seen until 11:00 p.m.

E.R. Doctor: Where does it hurt?

Me: Here.

E.R. Doctor: (poking) Here?

Me: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaargh!

There must be a class taught to med students in their first year where the instructor says something like, “The first rule of medicine is: 'If a patient says something hurts really bad, as a doctor you must poke it without delay.'” That, or doctors just think it's funny.

Anyway, as you've guessed, my wife and WebMD were correct and my appendix was on the verge of exploding. The on-call surgeon didn't arrive until 1 a.m. He explained the surgery to my wife and I and as he did so he was awkwardly patting my belly as if it were some old, sick pet that needed to be put down.

They got the old appendix out before it exploded, although the surgeon said it was leaking, like, appendix juice, so I guess it was close. My wife describes me coming out of anesthesia as follows:

Me: (demanding) Where are my underwear? What have you done with them?

O.R. Tech: They took them off because they had to operate on you.

Me: Why? They didn’t operate on my junk.

O.R. Tech: I don’t know anything about that. Keep breathing into the oxygen machine.

Me: How long do I have to breathe for?

O.R. Tech: The rest of your life, I expect.

Me: No one likes a smart aleck!

O.R. Tech: Just keep breathing into the machine, sir.

Me: (turning to my wife) You're pretty.

Wifey: Um, thanks.

Me: Will you marry me?

Wifey: Sure.

Did I mention that a fair amount of the blood vessels in my eyes exploded and none of the doctors would tell me what caused it? Here's a picture:

The best part of being hospitalized is the food. I was on a post-op liquid only diet so I had all the onion broth I could slurp. For dessert, they serve jello in a used ashtray. That's right, they just dump out the cigarette butts and pour in your favorite Pine Sol flavored gelatin snack, just like mom used to make.

I couldn't get enough.

Anyone have any other appendix and/or hospital stories? Wasn't 2003 a great year for music? Please leave a comment.

PS - I unearthed an old video of me doing stand up, so if you haven't already seen it please feel free to check it out HERE.