Sunday, August 26, 2012

Junior gets his heart squashed

As a parent you get to see lots of firsts, such as your child’s first steps and first words. Unfortunately, you also get to see other, less pleasant firsts, like when your darling baby boy falls and scrapes himself. And just recently - a lot sooner than I though it would happen – Junior got his little toddler heart broken for the first time.

My wife and I watched it all happen and couldn’t do a thing about it. We wanted to visit some of our favorite restaurants (we were moving to a really small town with not a lot of dining options) so we stopped in at the 66 Diner shortly before we moved. Our waitress brought us some menus and we placed our order, and somewhere in there we realized that Junior had it bad for the waitress.

Junior is at an age where he hasn’t realized that it’s impolite to stare, and the whole time he just stared goggle-eyed while she took our order. He continued to stare longingly as she walked off. He was transfixed and waited patiently for her to return from the kitchen, and when she did, he continued to stare as she waited on her other tables. We knew it was serious when he wouldn’t stop staring long enough to eat, because Junior loves to eat. We even offered him french fries (which he loves) but he couldn’t be bothered. (For the record, we don’t feed him french fries very often. Just sometimes when we eat out, and even then it’s only a few. You’re not such a great parent either.)

When her other tables left, our waitress came over and chatted with Junior, and after an initial moment of shyness Junior was dropping some pretty smooth lines.

Waitress: Hey, what’s your name?

Junior: Oh yeh beeeeeeeeee! Bop bop yeeeeeeee!

Waitress: Cool. What’re you doing tonight?

Junior: Woah woah no no bee beeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Blows raspberry)

Eventually we had to pay and go home, and Junior was devastated. He cried all the way out to the car and the whole way home. I suspect that somewhere in there they had a little talk where she told him that she needed a man who was a little more stable, didn’t live with his parents and didn’t poop in his pants.

“Get used to it,” I told Junior as he cried broken-heartedly. “Women will do that to you.”

Fortunately, earlier in the daytime my cousin had given us a large yellow summer squash and Junior hugged it like a stuffed animal. He held on to it and cried himself to sleep. (For the record, he has other toys, I promise. He just really liked the squash. Shut up.)

He was feeling better the next day because everyone knows that the remedy for a broken heart is a yellow summer squash.

If you don't have kids, have you ever tried to spit game at a waiter/waitress and it didn't go so well? 
If you have kids, has your baby ever gotten really attached to anything weird?
Please leave a comment.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

"My Eyes Burn"

Remember when I used to post regularly? Ah, those were the days. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve been really busy, and when it rains, it pours. I was cramming frantically for my Stats final and we were in the process of moving when our car broke and then, to top it all off, my insides broke.

I woke up at 3 a.m. with a terrible pain in my side. I tried to go back to sleep but I was kept awake by the steady throbbing. I called in sick to work in hopes of sleeping off whatever it was.

“I can't come in today,” I told my supervisor. “I have, uh, a pain in my side.”

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight,” said my supervisor. “Sure you do.”

By midday I still couldn't sleep and I was still hurting, so my kindly wife diagnosed me on WebMD.

“Appendicitis,” she announced after carefully logging all my symptoms into the computer.

I told her that WebMD was crap, but when 7 p.m. rolled around and I only felt worse, I started to think that WebMD and my wife might be onto something. We left Junior with my parents and headed off to the Emergency Room.

If you know anything about emergency rooms, you can do the math: we went in at 7 p.m. and we didn't get seen until 11:00 p.m.

E.R. Doctor: Where does it hurt?

Me: Here.

E.R. Doctor: (poking) Here?

Me: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaargh!

There must be a class taught to med students in their first year where the instructor says something like, “The first rule of medicine is: 'If a patient says something hurts really bad, as a doctor you must poke it without delay.'” That, or doctors just think it's funny.

Anyway, as you've guessed, my wife and WebMD were correct and my appendix was on the verge of exploding. The on-call surgeon didn't arrive until 1 a.m. He explained the surgery to my wife and I and as he did so he was awkwardly patting my belly as if it were some old, sick pet that needed to be put down.

They got the old appendix out before it exploded, although the surgeon said it was leaking, like, appendix juice, so I guess it was close. My wife describes me coming out of anesthesia as follows:

Me: (demanding) Where are my underwear? What have you done with them?

O.R. Tech: They took them off because they had to operate on you.

Me: Why? They didn’t operate on my junk.

O.R. Tech: I don’t know anything about that. Keep breathing into the oxygen machine.

Me: How long do I have to breathe for?

O.R. Tech: The rest of your life, I expect.

Me: No one likes a smart aleck!

O.R. Tech: Just keep breathing into the machine, sir.

Me: (turning to my wife) You're pretty.

Wifey: Um, thanks.

Me: Will you marry me?

Wifey: Sure.

Did I mention that a fair amount of the blood vessels in my eyes exploded and none of the doctors would tell me what caused it? Here's a picture:

The best part of being hospitalized is the food. I was on a post-op liquid only diet so I had all the onion broth I could slurp. For dessert, they serve jello in a used ashtray. That's right, they just dump out the cigarette butts and pour in your favorite Pine Sol flavored gelatin snack, just like mom used to make.

I couldn't get enough.

Anyone have any other appendix and/or hospital stories? Wasn't 2003 a great year for music? Please leave a comment.

PS - I unearthed an old video of me doing stand up, so if you haven't already seen it please feel free to check it out HERE.