It's Christmas time and I'm hearing a lot of Christmas music, and not all of it is good. I put together a panel consisting of me, my wife and Brennan and Sara of Stop Their Frequency to determine the worst Christmas songs of all time. We found that terrible Christmas songs generally fall into the following three categories:
1. No effort
No effort: These songs are terrible because of the lack of effort or caring on the part of the artists. These artists simply just phone in a generic substandard song, slap a “Christmas” label on it and then kick back and wait for the money to start rolling in. Take Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” with its idiotic lyrics and mind numbing repetition. Sir Paul should be ashamed of himself for selling people rubbish songs under the guise of Christmas music. He’s a knight for crying out loud! The same goes for “Christmastime” by Smashing Pumpkins: same stupidity and repetition, plus the song is creepier than Jacob Marley's ghost thanks to the ghoulish voice of Billy Corgan.
Creepy: A lot of terrible Christmas songs fall into this category. The first that comes to mind is “Baby, It's Cold Outside,” also known as “The Date Rape Song.” If you don't believe us, just look at the lyrics. The guy is pouring her drinks and persuading her to stay, and the woman finally catches on and asks, “Say, what's in this drink?” Ah, Christmas.
A surefire way to get your song onto the “creepy” list is to place Santa Claus into some kinky holiday scenario. “Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'” and “Backdoor Santa” are just two examples of these.
Annoying: “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is a perfect example. Did it need to be written? No. How did it get popular? No idea. Does it hurt your spine every time you hear it? Yes. Will you hear it at least one million times during the Christmas season? Certainly.
Then there's “Mele Kalikimaka,” which might be a little more palatable if it was written – or ever sung – by actual Hawaiians. Cloying, slightly racist, and repetitive to boot. Fly to Hawaii right now and comb every island and I am pretty sure you will not find one native Hawaiian singing “Mele Kalikimaka.”
“Christmas Shoes” rounds out the Annoying list for being didactic in the extreme. It takes a boy buying his dying mother some shoes on Christmas Eve to teach the singer the true meaning of Christmas? Come on.
What does your list of Worst Christmas Songs look like? Leave it in a comment if you please.