Sunday, December 18, 2011

You're not a real parent until you take a mouthful of mashed peas to the face

Junior has been doing solid food for over two months now but he hasn't gotten any better at it.

Now that he has teeth, he likes to chomp down on the spoon and not let go, so we spend most of feeding time trying to pry the spoon out of his mouth.

But his favorite thing to do lately is get a big mouthful of something and sneeze, spraying it all over whoever is feeding him. Especially if we are planning to go out afterward. Especially if I'm the one feeding him. When Junior sees us wearing clean clothes, he sees them as a fresh new canvas.

Doing laundry is kind of like strolling through a baby art museum: “And here we see a white dress shirt from Junior's Carrot Period. As we move through this wing you will see the museum's exclusive collection of green bean neck ties. And next we will see the 'Pants With Spit Up On The Crotch' exhibit.”

Junior also likes to paint himself. Here are some of Junior's looks:

I'm not doing so well with solid food myself. I'm eating too much of it, and Christmas time is a terrible time for trying to eat in moderation. The Top Christmas Activities are: 1. Eating and 2. Taking Pictures, a terrible combination for one's self esteem.

At my job someone has put chocolates and cookies in just about every available room: the mail room, the copier room, the break room, the front desk.

I hope Santa Claus brings me willpower for Christmas.

Anyone else having problems feeding baby? Or feeding themselves? Leave a comment if you please.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Worst Christmas Songs EVER

It's Christmas time and I'm hearing a lot of Christmas music, and not all of it is good. I put together a panel consisting of me, my wife and Brennan and Sara of Stop Their Frequency to determine the worst Christmas songs of all time. We found that terrible Christmas songs generally fall into the following three categories:

1. No effort
2. Creepy
3. Annoying

No effort: These songs are terrible because of the lack of effort or caring on the part of the artists. These artists simply just phone in a generic substandard song, slap a “Christmas” label on it and then kick back and wait for the money to start rolling in. Take Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” with its idiotic lyrics and mind numbing repetition. Sir Paul should be ashamed of himself for selling people rubbish songs under the guise of Christmas music. He’s a knight for crying out loud! The same goes for “Christmastime” by Smashing Pumpkins: same stupidity and repetition, plus the song is creepier than Jacob Marley's ghost thanks to the ghoulish voice of Billy Corgan.

Creepy: A lot of terrible Christmas songs fall into this category. The first that comes to mind is “Baby, It's Cold Outside,” also known as “The Date Rape Song.” If you don't believe us, just look at the lyrics. The guy is pouring her drinks and persuading her to stay, and the woman finally catches on and asks, “Say, what's in this drink?” Ah, Christmas.

A surefire way to get your song onto the “creepy” list is to place Santa Claus into some kinky holiday scenario. “Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin'” and “Backdoor Santa” are just two examples of these.

Annoying: “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is a perfect example. Did it need to be written? No. How did it get popular? No idea. Does it hurt your spine every time you hear it? Yes. Will you hear it at least one million times during the Christmas season? Certainly.

Then there's “Mele Kalikimaka,” which might be a little more palatable if it was written – or ever sung – by actual Hawaiians. Cloying, slightly racist, and repetitive to boot. Fly to Hawaii right now and comb every island and I am pretty sure you will not find one native Hawaiian singing “Mele Kalikimaka.”

Christmas Shoes” rounds out the Annoying list for being didactic in the extreme. It takes a boy buying his dying mother some shoes on Christmas Eve to teach the singer the true meaning of Christmas? Come on.

What does your list of Worst Christmas Songs look like? Leave it in a comment if you please.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Our vegas vacation

Before TMZ breaks the story I want to clear the air: I allowed some nude photos to be taken of me recently, but it never would have happened if the Transportation Security Administration wasn't racist.

That's right, I got full body scanned. I've never had to go through a full body scanner before, but this past weekend my wife and I flew to Las Vegas and airport security were full body scanning everyone with even remotely brown skin. This was our first time flying together and my wife is Latina, so I was guilty by association. They took one look at her and herded both of us through the full body scanner. I had never been scanned before but my wife said she gets scanned almost every time. As I sat putting my shoes and belt back on I watched the people that were getting scanned and they all happened to be minorities or people traveling with minorities, like myself. And if you had any kind of head covering or long beard, they swabbed all of your personal items for traces of explosives.

The TSA might have nude pictures of me and my wife, but the joke is on them because I snuck .6 extra ounces of contact solution onto the plane. We eventually made it Vegas, stayed for two nights and had the time of our lives. We left our baby with his maternal grandparents, so we got a full night's sleep for the first time in six months (longer for my wife). It was beautiful. I almost cried.

The second night we hit all these destinations:

That's A through L, friends. We were party animals and stayed out all night. This means the we've still got it. We're still cool. We're not succumbing to being old, boring parents.

That's a nice idea but truth be told we didn't mean to stay out all night. We just got lost and by the time we found our way back to the hotel it was time to go to the airport.

Does anyone else have cool vacation plans? Had any run-ins with the TSA?