Sunday, November 20, 2011

"It's always something"


 
Whenever things are going badly my mom always says, “Well, it's always something.” It's kind of her mantra.

She explains it like this: “Say your car is broken. Once you get your car fixed then your roof will be leaking. Once you get the roof fixed then your kid will be throwing up. And if your kid isn't throwing up then you need to go try and start your car 'cause it's probably broken again. That's life.”

I used to think she was just old and cynical, but now I'm starting to suspect she's right. For example, Junior had just started to sleep longer at night but this week he started teething and he's up all night again.

We couldn't figure out why he wouldn't sleep at first but then he started to show other symptoms of teething. For one, he started drooling enough gallons per hour to power a hydroelectric dam. Next, he developed an insatiable appetite for human flesh, a deep love of biting anyone who got within 20 feet of him, especially me. Once we had ruled out the possibility of him being a baby zombie, we put two and two together.

All of this makes me realize that he's getting older, and fast. Sometimes he will give me a stern look and he reminds me of my father-in-law. Granted, they do share a lot of genes, but it's still freaky.

He's also starting solid food. It wasn't easy at first, but it's getting better. Now I can feed him about a half bottle of baby food in one sitting. I feel pretty good until I realize most of the food ended up on the outside of him and me. These days I wear sweet potato colored clothing so when he inevitably spits all over me it doesn't show up so much. My kid can make a mouthful of pureed vegetables go pretty far.

All this growing up makes my wife sad, but I don't mind. She's worried about missing all his cute little baby moments but I'm like, “Psh, let's skip to the part where he sleeps through the night.”

But then we're back to “It's always something” because I'm sure that once he sleeps through the night he'll start doing something else that makes us lose sleep. Before too long I'll have to give him “the talk,” which I am not looking forward to. 

I guess it's OK if he stays a baby a little longer.

Anyone have any philosophies about wishing time away? Or know how to handle teething, carnivorous babies? Leave a comment if you please.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Numi Numi


The other night Wifey was watching TV when she suddenly fell out of her chair cackling like an escaped mental patient. “This is it,” I thought. “She's finally lost it. Motherhood and being married to me have finally driven her over the edge.”

But when she finally calmed down (and it took a long time) she explained that she was laughing about a commercial for a “super toilet.” I watched the commercial myself and I had to agree that it was hilarious and a bit creepy.

Just hanging out with our toilet.

 It's hilarious because the advertisers have gone to great lengths to make the toilet look sexy. That's right. And they even gave it a name. It's called “Numi.” Do toilets normally have names? Model numbers, maybe, but names?

Robots in disguise.

It's creepy because it's essentially a robot. It looks like a small, unassuming white porcelain box but when you get close it senses your presence and transforms like Optimus Prime into a full-size toilet. I'm uncomfortable with something that sophisticated in my bathroom. It's only a matter of time until it becomes self aware and leads the other robot toilets in a cybernetic restroom revolt, and I don't want to be sitting on it when it does.

Also, it's just so darn considerate. When it senses you coming it remembers how warm you like the toilet seat and heats the seat up for you. And when you're sitting on the toilet it blows warm air on your feet. It remembers your birthday and asks about your day. It's as if your best friend got on an evil wizard's bad side and was turned into a robot toilet.

And what bothers me the most is it's just so... frivolous. For example, it plays music. I don't know where the sound comes from, though, and I don't really want to. You can also create playlists, so you can have a mix for #1 and #2. And it'll only run you $6400.

I guess rich people have bought everything imaginable and have run out of things to spend money on.

What do you think of "Numi?" Leave a comment if you please.