Sunday, July 31, 2011

Our baby is the lightweight champion of the world

Things are going well for us these days except the doctor says Junior is too small and is not gaining weight fast enough. We're doing the best we can but the doctor chastised us like we are stopping our child from gaining weight on purpose, like we have him on some kind of baby Hollywood Summer Beach Body diet cleanse or got him baby lipo.

The doctor told us to basically feed him as much as he wants whenever he wants, and I'd love to be in his place. My doctor, on the other hand, is telling me I need to lose weight. When I mention to people that my baby is small and having trouble gaining weight, they look me up and down and their eyes fill with skepticisim. I keep telling Junior that this is pretty much the only time in his life that people will be telling him to gain as much weight as possible and he should take advantage of it.

Now we're constantly worried if he's getting enough to eat and we constantly want to weigh him to see if he's gaining weight. We don't have a scale so we thought about weighing him on a produce scale at the neighborhood grocery store. It would be hard to do, but my wife could create a distraction so the other customers wouldn't notice me putting a naked infant into the produce scale and start to protest. "I can't weigh my kumquats in there now!"

After much consideration we decided against it because it didn't seem like the most sanitary idea for our baby and for the people who might use the scale afterward.

The tricky thing is that the doctor is telling us to give him formula to supplement the breastmilk, but the lactation consultant is telling us that our baby would be better served by a quart of 10W-30 motor oil because formula is the devil in lactic form, a wolf in milk's clothing. What is a parent to do? Who do we believe?

Ultimately I decided to feed him a lot of Double Stuf Oreos and let him watch too much Netflix because I have found quite a bit of success gaining weight by this method.

Any thoughts on formula, for or against? Leave a comment if you please.