Sunday, July 10, 2011

How did we get here?

Junior is one month old tomorrow and we are finally getting into the groove of our new parental lifestyle. We understand that every two hours we have to drop everything and attend to the needs of this five pound party-crasher who is now running the show.

We're realizing sleep is a thing of the past and are getting used to walking around like Mom and Dad of the Dead. By now I could probably sleep until 2017 no problem if I just had some quiet.

We know that stress and worry come with the territory. We're always worrying: Is he eating enough? Is he sleeping enough? Is he supposed to poop that much or is there something wrong with his baby bowels? 

We also know that our full-time job is essentially putting stuff into our baby and then cleaning up what comes out. I swear way more comes out than goes in. Our life is full of the Three Ps of Parenting: pee, poop and puke.

Diaper changing is a combination of art form and competitive sport. Once that diaper is open it's a race against time to get him cleaned off and put another diaper on before he pees all over everything within a 20 foot radius. It's so intense that I feel like I'm defusing a bomb, and sometimes I know I'm not gonna make it in time. Knowing the inevitable, I plead with him like I'm at gunpoint: “You don't have to do this! Just point that somewhere else and we'll talk this over.” But you can't negotiate with a loaded baby.

Keeping our baby clean is like playing “Whack-a-Mole.” Once we get one excretion cleaned up, another one pops up. For instance, the other day I was changing his diaper. I was slow on the draw and he peed all over himself. I picked him up and bathed him but he pooped in the towel when I was drying him off. I bathed him again and he puked all over himself during drying. I cleaned up the puke and started to put a diaper on him only to have him pee all over himself again.

At this point I demanded that my wife tell me why we had wanted to have a baby in the first place. She said she couldn't remember.

Did anyone else have a hard time with the transition? Leave a comment if you please.