Sunday, July 10, 2011

How did we get here?

Junior is one month old tomorrow and we are finally getting into the groove of our new parental lifestyle. We understand that every two hours we have to drop everything and attend to the needs of this five pound party-crasher who is now running the show.

We're realizing sleep is a thing of the past and are getting used to walking around like Mom and Dad of the Dead. By now I could probably sleep until 2017 no problem if I just had some quiet.

We know that stress and worry come with the territory. We're always worrying: Is he eating enough? Is he sleeping enough? Is he supposed to poop that much or is there something wrong with his baby bowels? 

We also know that our full-time job is essentially putting stuff into our baby and then cleaning up what comes out. I swear way more comes out than goes in. Our life is full of the Three Ps of Parenting: pee, poop and puke.

Diaper changing is a combination of art form and competitive sport. Once that diaper is open it's a race against time to get him cleaned off and put another diaper on before he pees all over everything within a 20 foot radius. It's so intense that I feel like I'm defusing a bomb, and sometimes I know I'm not gonna make it in time. Knowing the inevitable, I plead with him like I'm at gunpoint: “You don't have to do this! Just point that somewhere else and we'll talk this over.” But you can't negotiate with a loaded baby.

Keeping our baby clean is like playing “Whack-a-Mole.” Once we get one excretion cleaned up, another one pops up. For instance, the other day I was changing his diaper. I was slow on the draw and he peed all over himself. I picked him up and bathed him but he pooped in the towel when I was drying him off. I bathed him again and he puked all over himself during drying. I cleaned up the puke and started to put a diaper on him only to have him pee all over himself again.

At this point I demanded that my wife tell me why we had wanted to have a baby in the first place. She said she couldn't remember.

Did anyone else have a hard time with the transition? Leave a comment if you please.


  1. Aargh!! We just found out we're having a boy. I am afraid of the pee fountains that are to come (I can't even bring myself to think about poop and the joy that it brings).
    I can't believe your baby is a month old already! I bet it's felt like forever for you guys though - hang in there - eventually he'll be a teenager going to parties and asking you for money all the time...

  2. Hahaha, sorry, I couldn't help but laugh. I remember those days. I promise it gets easier. They sleep longer, poop less and eat less often. The beginning is hard, especially when you're a first timer. Two things that might help...a pee-pee tee-pee. (little cup you put over...well you get the idea) and get the new diaper completely ready so you can plant it right underneath him as soon as you remove the old one. (Or, plop it on top of him to catch the pee.) But everyone has it this hard. I promise! I didn't always even get to shower every day. Who am I kidding? I still don't get to! There were many, MANY days I got puked on right as I was about to walk out the door to work or church, etc. It's just part of it. But it gets better, I PROMISE! Just hang in there.

  3. See, this is why I don't want kids! At least, right now.

    You'll get through it, I'm sure.. with little sleep and few showers. But I'm told it's rewarding and worth all the sleepless nights and poopy diapers.. Hopefully whoever said that was right.

    Good luck!

  4. I do not envy you! Just know that when you get old it will be his turn to change your diapers.

  5. ahhhh --- the joys of new parents!

    i agree with katrina on the peepee teepee, they're cute and the idea is also goood. i happen to like using the wet wipes to cover my boys while i wipe them down. you are lucky actually, as he only has ever peed on you. i have literally been pooped on my hand while in the process of cleaning up poop. just when i thought he was all done... out comes the rest of the goo!!!

    hang tight, dad! if i can do it with TWO boys, you can do it with one!!!!!

  6. I laughed so much all the way through this post.

    Not that I'm taking pleasure in your pain or anything... but I might be just a little bit glad that I am still childless at this stage in my life.

    I do wish you and your missus sleep and relaxation! And hopefully that baby bomb will get himself under control at some point. Otherwise, you may as well just turn this into a stand-up routine.


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