Monday, June 13, 2011

Ready or not, here I come

So the doctors think Junior is taking too long and my wife is scheduled to be induced tonight.

On the upside we know exactly when my wife will start labor, and an approximate range of time when she'll deliver. It’s like “Baby-On-Demand.”

On the downside we know that for this new part of our lives to start, the old, semi-carefree part has to come to an end. It's just hard to say goodbye to some of the things we've grown accustomed to that will be going away, such as: money, sleeping, time alone together, etc. Now we’ll have to reference everything as B.B. (Before Baby Era) and A.B. (After Baby Era).

For one last hurrah we went out and ate at one of our favorite places because we know with surety that our time as amateur foodies is coming to an abrupt and violent end once the baby is here. We did the math and all of our money that is not going to paying hospital bills will be going to pay for diapers.

Next, we went to the arcade with some friends, won a bunch of tickets and scored some sweet mood rings. We put them on and the color on both rings was stuck between “happy” and “despair.” Spot on.

Don't misunderstand: we're super happy and excited, but every time a new part of my life starts I have to whine about how “the good times are over!” It's what I do.

There are tons of things I'm looking forward to, though. I get to play with all his toys and teach him manly skills like unstopping toilets, changing car oil and firesetting.

And there will be other opportunities for me. I've already mentioned how my wife feels about drugs: she loves them. The pregnancy kind, that is. (She would want me to specify that.) She is eager to take as many as she can get her hands on during the delivery, so afterward she'll be a bit fuzzy and I'm going to trick her into all kinds of things.

I'm definitely gonna ask her if I can buy a motorcycle and she'll probably say yes. You might think it's messed up to trick your wife when she's at her most vulnerable, but she has refused to let me buy one when she's sober and doesn't understand that speed (and speeding tickets) are in my blood. She says I can buy one if she gets to do something equally dangerous as motorcycle riding, such as intravenous drug use with shared needles or bear wrestling.

We're headed into the hospital right now. I though about tweeting a labor play-by-play at @ourbabyisbetterthanyourbaby, but I think my wife would get annoyed.

You're doing great, babe, keep pushing! I'll be right back after I post an update and some pictures!”