Sunday, June 26, 2011

No sleep 'til FOREVER

Dasd asdlasd kad asl vzxpq mrf mrf mrf yowp. Nurf blat asid meeeeefrof tootledofflo.Mijmaxd.

That's all that came out when I tried to write about our son in the first week after he was born. Sleep deprivation is a scary thing, man.

Where to begin? I guess let me say first that some people in the medical profession are angels, and others are the exact opposite. I've speculated about the nature of hell in the past, but now I know for certain that the innermost circle of hell is being stuck in a hospital.

And not to be cheesy but my wife weathered the whole delivery ordeal like a champ. I was in awe of her courage.

I had some serious buyer's remorse in the first few days. Many and crazy were the thoughts that ran through my fevered brain. Maybe there is a return policy, I thought frantically. We kept the receipt and he's barely been used, they'll take him back. Or maybe we can exchange him for one that sleeps.

I slept so little that I felt like a tortured prisoner at Guantanamo Bay. Did you know that a baby can be dry, fed, clean and burped and still inexplicably screech bloody murder all night long? On a baby crying scale from 1 to 10 (1 being a whimper and 10 being a vocal-cord-shredding blood-curdling wake-the-dead shriek) our baby will go from sleeping peacefully to a 10 instantly for no apparent reason. My nerves are shot.

Your mother and I had a pretty good thing going before you got here,” I told him one night at 4 a.m. “We were nice and invited you here and you're technically our guest so you should really be on your best behavior. We gave you life and the least you could do is show a little appreciation and go to sleep!

Babies are a lot of things of but reasonable is not one of them.

Everyone told us how hard it was going to be and we listened carefully and tried to prepare ourselves. But nothing can really prepare you for how hard it really is, except actually having a baby, but by then you're locked into an 18 year minimum commitment.

It's not all stressful. We, like, love him and stuff. We're happy he's here. He's also kind of cute, although at this stage he's still a little wrinkly. He looks kind of like a cross between an old man, Yoda and a gnome, in the most adorable way possible.

Anyone have advice for a new father? Had a rough time with your first baby? Leave a comment if you please.


  1. The illustration is terrifying, but it accurately reflects my fractured mental state.

  2. Unfortunately I do not have new daddy advice how I do have plenty of Congratulations!!! You'll be awesome, I'm sure :)

  3. Oh god - I see my future when I read your blog!
    Congrats on the new addition!!! :)

    I don't have any advice...but I am looking for you to provide some...oh, before November some time...

    I do wish you the best. A new baby is NOT easy, but I do hear that the love makes up for it...please tell me it does haha?

  4. No advice from me, since I don't yet have children, but I just have to say congratulations! What is his name?


    It amazed us how sensitive their little tummies are. If their burped, fed, dry, warm, not too warm, entertained, not over stimulated, GAS DROPS. For the first 3 months of life, Calvin needed them on schedule in the evenings, but then he was perfect.
    Lily, on the other hand, didn't need them much at all. She did however, go through a faze where every night between 6 & 8:30, she'd had enough and just needed to cry it out. Again, this lasted about the first 3 months.

    It sounds to me like your little spud is havin' the tummy troubles- especially if he's keeping you up All night, instead of every few hours.

    Hope that helps! Good Luck!

  6. firstly, CONGRATULATIONS!!! babies, albeit wrinkly, yoda-looking and can screech and scream like hell is after them, is actually quite endearing when they are fast asleep like little angels.

    hang tight there... seriously, that kid will go to sleep once the trauma of labour has been forgotten. maybe he's dreaming of going through the birth canal once again? :)

    but seriously, try a few things... like putting him on his tummy? my son who just turned two months old does not sleep unless he is in his tummy. i know, i know, nurses say "only put the baby to sleep on his back to prevent SIDS" but really? if my kid is comfortable on his tummy, i will put him there!

    try massaging his tummy as he might have gas. try putting him on his tummy on your arm when you're carrying him and patting his back. turn on something noisey --- a vent or something to see if that helps out. maybe he just wants noise. if none of those work, check with your doctor if the baby has colic.

    other than that, good luck new daddy!!!

    (i'm following you now, btw)


  7. Congratulations! What a crazy journey! Take a deep breath and say a prayer? That's all I can seem to offer as a non-parent!

  8. man i knew wat was going to happen and i did it again. i am a father of one and twins are coming in a month. have you confirmed if is there a return policy or not?

  9. You blog is so funny! I love it. I hope you get some sleep!! =)

  10. This is the scary truth right here! If you teach your kid to sleep throughout the night let me know how, my son is three years and is just now on occasion (maybe 2-3 times a month) sleeping throughout the night. I have the baggies eyes you will ever see, I swear it.

    Oh, and congrats too!

  11. hahaha you're a new daddy and nope - the crying won't stop. not for a while.

    the kid's probably experiencing culture shock. like, he's waking up from this dark yet comfortably warm place in something called a "house" with other beings he's never seen before and can't even communicate with them. think of how he must feel.


    oh & check out my blog - maybe we can follow each other? :

  12. Ok so I don't have any kids yet, but when we first got our dog I had a similar talk with him one night/morning about how we picked him and if he didn't stop wanting to play at 3am I was going to cook him like a cornish game hen. Seriously I would never cook my dog, but I know your sleep-deprived pain.

    Best of luck!