Sunday, June 26, 2011

No sleep 'til FOREVER

Dasd asdlasd kad asl vzxpq mrf mrf mrf yowp. Nurf blat asid meeeeefrof tootledofflo.Mijmaxd.

That's all that came out when I tried to write about our son in the first week after he was born. Sleep deprivation is a scary thing, man.

Where to begin? I guess let me say first that some people in the medical profession are angels, and others are the exact opposite. I've speculated about the nature of hell in the past, but now I know for certain that the innermost circle of hell is being stuck in a hospital.

And not to be cheesy but my wife weathered the whole delivery ordeal like a champ. I was in awe of her courage.

I had some serious buyer's remorse in the first few days. Many and crazy were the thoughts that ran through my fevered brain. Maybe there is a return policy, I thought frantically. We kept the receipt and he's barely been used, they'll take him back. Or maybe we can exchange him for one that sleeps.

I slept so little that I felt like a tortured prisoner at Guantanamo Bay. Did you know that a baby can be dry, fed, clean and burped and still inexplicably screech bloody murder all night long? On a baby crying scale from 1 to 10 (1 being a whimper and 10 being a vocal-cord-shredding blood-curdling wake-the-dead shriek) our baby will go from sleeping peacefully to a 10 instantly for no apparent reason. My nerves are shot.

Your mother and I had a pretty good thing going before you got here,” I told him one night at 4 a.m. “We were nice and invited you here and you're technically our guest so you should really be on your best behavior. We gave you life and the least you could do is show a little appreciation and go to sleep!

Babies are a lot of things of but reasonable is not one of them.

Everyone told us how hard it was going to be and we listened carefully and tried to prepare ourselves. But nothing can really prepare you for how hard it really is, except actually having a baby, but by then you're locked into an 18 year minimum commitment.

It's not all stressful. We, like, love him and stuff. We're happy he's here. He's also kind of cute, although at this stage he's still a little wrinkly. He looks kind of like a cross between an old man, Yoda and a gnome, in the most adorable way possible.

Anyone have advice for a new father? Had a rough time with your first baby? Leave a comment if you please.