Sunday, June 5, 2011

Baby is on his way and hopefully he's not ugly

Our baby will be popping out any minute now and consequently my wife and I are freaking out.

It doesn't help any that he keeps flipping back and forth. He thinks he's some kind of eggplant-sized gymnast in there. Sometimes we go into the midwife and she says, “He's head down, you're good!” and the next time she's saying, “He's breech and you're gonna need a cesarean.” He is grounded the minute he comes out for all the stress he's caused us. This kid is ornery, and I know exactly where he gets it from: his mother.

And speaking of his mother: she is dying to meet him. Most of all she wants to see what he looks like. She is consumed with an unhealthy curiosity about this, and admit I am a little interested myself.

For one, we're not sure how tall the baby will be. My wife is 4'10” (she tries to add on some fractions but don't you believe it) and I'm 6'2”.

My wife is also worried that the baby will be ugly, but I keep telling her that if the baby is in fact ugly, we will be the last ones to know. Every couple thinks their baby is the cutest and most adorable, which is a result of evolutionary processes that help the human race survive. I guess a species is less likely to eat their young if they are too busy showing baby pictures to everyone.

I've also heard there are other evolutionary processes at work. A baby looks like the father for the first few months and this makes the father more likely to stick around and provide for the baby. Men are pretty vain, I guess. And if it looks like him, he knows the kid is his. Sounds like men are insecure as well.

Anyway, my wife was so curious that she uploaded pictures of the two of us into a sketchy, virus-ridden website that claimed it could show us what our baby will look like. I had a bad feeling about the whole business, and not just because of all the pop-ups.

“No good will come of this,” I warned.

But my wife is terminally stubborn and did it anyway. Soon there appeared on the screen an image so inhuman and horrifying that it looked like a cross between an evil gnome and Steven Tyler. I'd post it here but after seeing it my wife and I fled in terror and haven't been back to our apartment since.

Ultimately, I'm fairly certain this kid will will be ridiculously attractive. I mean, look at his parents. Hottest. Couple. Ever.

Has anyone else tried those babymaker websites? Don't lie! Leave a comment if you please.