Sunday, March 13, 2011

Fighting a losing battle to stay sane

I’ve not written for a bit because I’ve been trying without success to write something that is NOT about our adventures in reproduction. So besides stressing about babies, here are just a few of the wild and crazy things I do:

Work. And don’t worry, nothing has changed. Hard work is still being punished severely. Once I finish my work, I get assigned a second batch of work made up of things my co-workers were supposed to do in their first batch but never did. They never get a second batch.

Get a fish. Surprising myself, I got a betta fish and put him in a bowl in my office to keep me company. In a fit of nerdity I named him “Malcolm Reynolds.” While I'm doing paperwork at my desk he will start banging his head repeatedly against the side of his bowl and it makes a sound like a tiny bell tolling off in the distance. I look at him banging his head and think, “That is exactly how I feel.”

Watch TV. This is fun but it makes me realize I am getting older. Our favorite thing to watch right now is the Late Late Show, but we are usually in bed by 10 p.m. so we watch it the day after it airs by streaming it on the internet. Day old jokes are still funny, and we just can’t party like we used to. We are, like, 100 years old.

Play Nintendo for cheap. That’s right, while everyone else is playing their expensive Wiis, I went on Craigslist and scored a Nintendo 64 for pocket change. Now my nights are filled with Mario Kart and Dr. Mario.

Gain baby weight. My wife’s belly is growing because she is having a baby, while mine is growing because of too much pizza, Ben & Jerry’s and Dr. Pepper. I have Papa John’s phone number programmed into my phone! How did it come to this? If they ultrasounded me, they would tell me that I am giving birth to a large pepperoni and sausage pizza.

Speaking of which, at my wife’s most recent appointment her doctor was cautioning her about gaining too much weight in these last few months of pregnancy. My wife is Latina, and without asking her anything about what she eats the doctor told her, “Now don’t be eating too many tortillas, because they have a lot of carbs.” The doctor didn’t mention bread, cereal, pasta, cinnamon rolls, donuts, bagels, cheese danishes or Cheetos, all of which also have a lot of carbs. Just tortillas. Pretty racist, right? That’s like telling an Asian American mother to cut back on rice, or and African American mother to cut back on chicken, or an Italian American mother to cut back on spaghetti.

My wife doesn’t eat that many tortillas anyway.

Having a baby and unable to talk about anything else? Ever been racially stereotyped by your obstetrician? Leave a comment if you please.