Monday, January 24, 2011

Future fathers take note: A pickle juice smoothie is not the same as a pickle juice snow cone

I've been very busy lately finishing a short story and maintaining a pregnant woman. Have you ever tried to feed a pregnant woman? This is how it usually goes:

Wife: “I'm starving!”

Me: “OK, what sounds good?”

Wife: “Nothing.”

And when she can eat it’s usually something weird. The other night she was craving a pickle juice snow cone, which to me sounds about as appetizing as a motor oil snow cone, or a Listerine snow cone. Luckily, we couldn’t find a pickle juice snow cone anywhere. My wife swears they are real and she had them all the time growing up, but I think her baby-addled brain is playing tricks on her, poor woman. I offered to take some pickle juice from our pickles at home and throw it into the blender with some ice cubes, but she said that would be a pickle juice smoothie and she has no interest in those.

Her food cravings seem to come from totally opposite ends of the food spectrum. One end is “super healthy” and the other is “devoid of any nutritional value whatsoever.” For example, in a given evening my wife might desire a pizza smothered in nacho cheese sprinkled with French fries and organic broccoli, asparagus spears and a grapefruit.

Lately she has really been craving beef: hamburgers, roast beef sandwiches, pot roast, steak. If it used to be part of a cow, she can't get enough of it. She even stirs a little ground beef into her yogurt every morning. My sister said it's because a woman's blood volume doubles when they are pregnant, and the iron found in beef helps to accomplish this. That's one explanation, but I think my wife might have always had a secret appetite for steak and hamburgers. She used to order salads or pasta to try and maintain some dainty image, but now that she’s pregnant and has an excuse to eat all the red meat she wants.

My wife also has to take pre-natal vitamins now, which she is not thrilled about. We even bought her gummy vitamins, but she doesn’t like them any better. I, on the other hand, think the gummy vitamins are delicious and steal them all the time. I have enough folic acid in my system now to birth three babies.

And you will be happy to know that her super olfactory senses are still going strong. The other night she said to me, “Do you smell bacon?”

“Are you quoting Wayne's World?” I asked. “Is that a thing we do now? If it is, we shouldn't because that movie wasn't funny in 1992, and it's not any funnier now.”

“No seriously, I smell bacon!”

I couldn't smell anything, but upon further investigation it turns out someone was cooking bacon two floors up and her super senses picked it up.

Scary, I know.

Has anyone else ever heard of a pickle juice snow cone? If you've been pregnant, what stuff did you crave? Leave a comment if you please.