Monday, January 10, 2011

For reals this time: the good times are over

I’ve been terrified to write lately because of a paralyzing fear that I’m turning into a “mommy blogger.” I used to write about funny stuff and take cheap shots at exes, bosses and teachers, but everything I write these days is “baby, baby, baby” and I can’t stop it!

I guess a baby is the next logical step because I've already chronicled my adventures in dating, graduate school, graduating, getting my first real job, getting engaged and getting married. Now this step is so big that it is taking over my life, like it or not. I know it’s really bad because the other day I actually asked someone, “Do you want to see our ultrasound picture?” That is just awful because I used to hate hate hate looking at unsolicited ultrasound pictures.

Still, I can't get over the feeling that the good times are really over this time. As I said before, we planned on this little person coming into our lives, but now that he/she is really in the chute I am having a super hard time not resenting him/her. For instance, my wife just bought me my sixth guitar this Christmas (if you don’t already understand why someone needs that many guitars, don't ask because you wouldn't understand) but with all our time, money and energy now going towards The Kid I fear this may be the last guitar I ever get.

In the past, my wife and I have enjoyed going camping with friends but I know that will also go the way of sleeping in. Even when The Kid gets old enough to go it won’t be the same. We’ll spend the whole trip trying to make sure The Kid doesn’t fall into the fire/water/poison oak or get poked with sticks/marshmallow skewers/tent poles.

To be honest, The Kid is already ruining my life. My wife and I used to do cool stuff together all the time, weeknights and everything! But now my wife is too sick and too tired to do anything, so all we can do now is watch NCIS and try and brainstorm things she can eat that won’t make her sick.

What I’m saying is I might mention babies from time to time because having a baby consumes your whole life, so I apologize in advance. However, I will not become a mommy blogger, and one thing I promise I will never do is overshare. For example, one of my friends recently tweeted: “36 week checkup went great today. No dilation yet but the cervix is softening up. Good sign!” I read that mess and I’ll be darned if I didn’t just about throw up everything I have ever eaten ever. I solemnly promise to never write about cervixes, not that I have anything against them, but I know not everyone wants a play-by-play.

In some ways I wish I could become a mommy blogger because the fancy ones have corporate sponsors, merchandise and giveaways. Ideally I could be sponsored by Panda Express, Ben & Jerry’s and Epiphone Guitars, and I could sell a cookbook entitled “Busy Busy Busy” In The Kitchen.

I can see it now.


  1. Haha, good luck man. Resist the urges to become lame. It's true that everything will change a bit and you will spend time making sure your kid is taken care of, but don't fall victim to the idea that you have to be lame. Truth is you can have a lot more fun doing the things you love with your kid(s). Instead of thinking "this is my last guitar," think "what kind of guitar will my son or daughter want?"

    I see many parents clam up and use that as their excuse to become lame and I'll admit we've cut a day short a few times to get my son a nap I know he'll need, but so far we've tried to do the best we can to keep living our lives how we want. Our son took a cross country drive at 2 weeks, has camped, flown across the Atlantic, sings along to Reliant K and skank dances in our living room. It's a wild ride, but it's a fun one. When you see your 2 year old pick up a guitar hero guitar and start spinning, kicking the air and rocking out it will be a joy you haven't had before.

  2. Thanks Bryan I will try to keep that in mind.

  3. Hahaha, I love your blog header! Look, the good times aren't just have to redefine what good times are to you...ok well, I guess I see your point :P

    I'm sure you'll have plenty of hilarious things to share about your impending (and eventual) fatherhood. Just embrace it!

  4. The other day a co-worker of mine (who I don't particularly like) asked me if I wanted to see pictures of her daughter on her phone. I had to say yes. Saying no would just be mean. i didn't actually want to look at photo after photo of her "cutest kid ever."

    Also, s friend of mine is a big fan of this site:

    So you should browse that and just don't do any of the things these parents do.

    I hate it when the moms I know on facebook write status about baby poop. I don't want to know that your child has explosive diarrhea. I don't want to know that your child spit up everywhere.

    I think you'll be a cool dad - one who plays guitar and tells funny jokes. Be the cool dad who doesn't over-share!

  5. I second Allison on the subject of poop. Obviously it's a part of life as a parent, but some things aren't meant to be shared. It's definitely right up there with your cervix comment.

  6. NCIS? That's almost as disgusting as a softening cervix.

    I've observed that babies are great accessories for church. For example, the girls with babies in our ward hardly ever have to attend sunday school. Sometimes they just pick up their baby and walk out of the room even if it's not crying or fussing at all. Or they start popping their kid's snacks, even though their kids are across the room ripping up the hymn books.

    I'm sure there are a couple other pluses to having a baby - but these are the two most desirable reasons to have a baby that I've noticed. Skipping out on boring sunday school lessons and an endless supply of princess fruit snacks always by your side.

  7. Stfuparents is hilarious, I think I will send in some submissions. And I promise I will never tweet/status update about poop.

    And NCIS is my wife's favorite show, not mine. But I watch anyway because what else are we gonna do?

  8. Dude I hadn't even realized until now that you probably won't go camping with us anymore.

    The good times really are over.

  9. I'm just joking man. They aren't over. Hopefully.

    Even pregnant people and their spouses can still go to see D Numbers with us, Saturday. That is a sure way to stay hip, man.

  10. You can totally camp with a baby/toddler. Just don't let them eat too much dirt!


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