Monday, January 10, 2011

For reals this time: the good times are over

I’ve been terrified to write lately because of a paralyzing fear that I’m turning into a “mommy blogger.” I used to write about funny stuff and take cheap shots at exes, bosses and teachers, but everything I write these days is “baby, baby, baby” and I can’t stop it!

I guess a baby is the next logical step because I've already chronicled my adventures in dating, graduate school, graduating, getting my first real job, getting engaged and getting married. Now this step is so big that it is taking over my life, like it or not. I know it’s really bad because the other day I actually asked someone, “Do you want to see our ultrasound picture?” That is just awful because I used to hate hate hate looking at unsolicited ultrasound pictures.

Still, I can't get over the feeling that the good times are really over this time. As I said before, we planned on this little person coming into our lives, but now that he/she is really in the chute I am having a super hard time not resenting him/her. For instance, my wife just bought me my sixth guitar this Christmas (if you don’t already understand why someone needs that many guitars, don't ask because you wouldn't understand) but with all our time, money and energy now going towards The Kid I fear this may be the last guitar I ever get.

In the past, my wife and I have enjoyed going camping with friends but I know that will also go the way of sleeping in. Even when The Kid gets old enough to go it won’t be the same. We’ll spend the whole trip trying to make sure The Kid doesn’t fall into the fire/water/poison oak or get poked with sticks/marshmallow skewers/tent poles.

To be honest, The Kid is already ruining my life. My wife and I used to do cool stuff together all the time, weeknights and everything! But now my wife is too sick and too tired to do anything, so all we can do now is watch NCIS and try and brainstorm things she can eat that won’t make her sick.

What I’m saying is I might mention babies from time to time because having a baby consumes your whole life, so I apologize in advance. However, I will not become a mommy blogger, and one thing I promise I will never do is overshare. For example, one of my friends recently tweeted: “36 week checkup went great today. No dilation yet but the cervix is softening up. Good sign!” I read that mess and I’ll be darned if I didn’t just about throw up everything I have ever eaten ever. I solemnly promise to never write about cervixes, not that I have anything against them, but I know not everyone wants a play-by-play.

In some ways I wish I could become a mommy blogger because the fancy ones have corporate sponsors, merchandise and giveaways. Ideally I could be sponsored by Panda Express, Ben & Jerry’s and Epiphone Guitars, and I could sell a cookbook entitled “Busy Busy Busy” In The Kitchen.

I can see it now.