Monday, December 20, 2010

A little potato for Christmas

My wife contracted a parasite that is making her violently sick. It’s leeching nutrients from her body, growing rapidly and is currently the size of a lemon. That’s right, clever reader, as a good friend of ours used to say, my wife caught “baby.” There’s no time like the present to reproduce, I always say.

For those of you who are unsettled by the thought of a little Jesse running around just remember that it is only half me, so you can all breathe a sigh of relief.

When Wifey called people to tell them our good news they kept saying, “Aren’t you so excited?” She was excited, but she felt guilty for being afraid too. She also felt guilty for being a little grossed out by the whole process.

There’s, like, a little thing growing in there!” she said to me. “It’s like some sci-fi movie where the alien thing grows inside the human host and then violently bursts out covered in blood and guts!”

She has a good point, but all joking aside, we are very happy. However, what a lot of expectant parents won’t tell you - but we will - is that with the happiness also comes a fair amount of pure terror. I think paralyzing fear is an intelligent and appropriate response to finding out you are going to become a parent. We wanted and planned for a baby, but now that it’s actually under construction we are scared to death.

My face has broken out like never before, and sometimes I wake up in middle of the night thinking, “How are we going to afford a baby? What if we make sucky parents? What if our baby turns out to be a bratty troll child?”

Sometimes I think, This is crazy! Maybe I just dreamed that we were going to have a baby. And just when I had convinced myself it was a dream my wife got her first ultrasound, which was pretty clear proof that something was in there. An ultrasound doesn't have a lot of details, you see. It basically looked like someone had tried to photocopy a potato or a chicken nugget.

That’s a baby?” I asked the ultrasound tech. “Are you sure?”

She assured me that it was a baby and politely labeled the head and bottom, which was good because I wasn't sure which was which.

For parents: How did you feel when you got the big news? 
For non-parents: Do you plan on having kids? Why or why not? 
Leave a comment if you please.


  1. Congratulations!

    I am not too sure about the kid thing myself. I like kids, but babies supremely freak me out!

  2. I have a feeling having a baby is one of those things where people say, "It sounded like a good idea at the time."

    However, I'm almost positive that seeing the little alien once it squeezes your finger and opens its eyes for the first time is paramount to everything else in your life that you have or ever will experience.

  3. Hooray for the Divetts! Mazel tov!
    (And someday I want kids. Someday meaning many, many years away from now.)
    P.S. Best ultrasound blog picture I've ever seen.

  4. Congratulations! that's so exciting.

    My experience was probably a lot like yours. We were planning, expecting and wanting a baby, but there's definitely that "holy crap, there's no going back now," feeling when you see the + sign on the pregnancy test.

    The nine months of being sick part really sucks, but Michelle is right, when you hear that first cry or feel those little fingers wrap around yours and it's fully real, it's the most incredible thing you'll ever experience.

    Good luck and congratulations to you both.

  5. I actually have come to realize that I do not want children of my own. But that doesn't stop me from borrowing other people's children. I will gladly take my cousin's kids to the movies or play with them for a bit - then old Allison gets tired and wants some quiet time!


  6. Hi man. Congratulations! I have to say I didn't picture you as the breeding type. But I didn't picture you as the marrying type either.
    Only because of your perceived terror of settling down, not your capabilities. On the contrary, I actually always thought you'd be one of the best dads. You have this chilled out wisdom and non-uptightness that is critical for being a good parent.

    When I first got the news that Heather was pregnant my first thought was a swear word. But despite being terrified, it's like jumping off the high-dive, once you break the water it's really not so scary.
    See, at first they're like glorified handbags. They mostly sleep, poop, eat, and make noise. But really they don't change your life too much (besides your sleep habits) By the time they get more demanding you've grown used to them, so it's not that bad.
    And I hate to be cliche, but you don't know what love and joy is until you've held your baby, or watch He-Man with them for the first time. It's so fun.

  7. Congratulations J&C! This is wonderful!
    It was kind of funny when Jase and I found out I was preg w/Calvin because we'd just decided we weren't ready, but once we knew it was like "Alright! Let's get excited!" Hehe in fact, the first thing Jason said to me was "Shane's coming over! Can I tell Shane?"
    When I found out I was preg w/Lily we were going through some really difficult times, so the reaction was kind of more like "Oh, S*%t! Why now?" But again, the parental instinct was to make the most of it,& I started being grateful that they'd be close in age.
    Anyway, once the perspective changes from "situation" to "Person" everything else becomes trivial.
    There's so much more, and you'll hear tons from everyone else (lots you'll eventually related to, most you probably won't). But for now, I think Jason put it the best: Lynette asked him once "Weren't you scared? I'm terrified of having kids!" He told her, "Absolutely! But what's even more terrifying is to try to imagine what my life would be like without them."

  8. Congratulations to the two of you! You guys are so funny, but yeah, if you think about it, the whole idea of a little thing growing inside a woman's body is kinda freaky.

    I do eventually plan on having day, eventually...haha. I'm pretty sure it's one of those things where I'm thinking now like "Oh yeah! I love kids!" and then when it happens I'll be all "Ahhh, what was I thinking?!"

    Just continue enjoying it though!

  9. Congratulations!!!
    I would love to have kids some day. However, the first thing on the agenda is finding a husband. ;) Haha

  10. So I realize this is a little late, I've been off the blogging world for a while, but super congrats! that's awesome, hope it goes well for all three of you.

    I'm not a parent, but I certainly look forward to becoming one at someone point the the not too distant future.

    Though babies/ kids freak me out. Especially boys. Even though I grew up with three brothers (only girl!) I have no idea what boys like to do, except give their mothers heart attacks and ridiculous pranks.

    Hopefully my husband will be some help in that department!

  11. i'm actually hanging out with my 8-month-old firstborn as i read this.

    the fear doesn't go away.


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