Monday, November 15, 2010

The Stealth Beard

As you may know, I really like beards. My wife, however, is not a big fan. The other night she was watching an episode of Bones that featured Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top sporting his trademark waist-length beard. Knowing my affinity for beards she promptly read my mind and said, "Don't get any ideas!" without even looking away from the TV.

But I figure it's my turn now. We've been married now for six months and I've been clean shaven the whole time, not to mention all the time before that while we were dating. I figure we can have joint custody of my face: six months clean shaven, six months bearded. Everybody wins.

When my wife went to Alaska for a week to visit family I immediately stopped shaving, and when she got back the beard was already pretty well established and there wasn't a whole lot she could do about it. Pretty stealthy, eh? Plus, I told her that she agreed in her marriage vows to accept me, beard and all. She didn't question it because a marriage ceremony is so long and has lots of unintelligible flowery language. Who knows what all they said in there.

So the beard is here to stay, at least for a while. I've gotten a few compliments on the beard, but I always unintentionally make it awkward. Here are a few of my poorly worded responses:

"Thanks, I'm saving a fortune on shaving cream."
"Thanks, if there's one thing I do well, it's grow hair."
"Thanks, it's kind of blond around my upper lip and chin so it looks like I've spilled something on my face, but other than that I like it too."
"Thanks, you too!" (To a woman)

The downside is I think the beard is hurting my game. From this graph we find that my wife kisses me less when I have the beard. 

Maybe this is because she's been sick since she got back from Alaska, or maybe she just hates the beard.

I wish I had paid more attention in my college research class.

Anti-beard or pro beard? Leave a comment if you please.


  1. Clearly I am pro-beard. Facial hair is something sacred to a man. I tend to go through phases of NEEDING to not be bald-faced anymore to being like, 'well, i've been scruffy for a while...i think it's time for a change.' And around and around I go. Kinda like the circle of life, but not at all. I say stick with the beard man!!!

  2. My husband just started growing his "New Year's Beard." It's a tradition (excuse) every year to get his beard on. Not my favorite thing, but I can give up the beard hang-ups for a few months a year although it does cut down on smooches as showed by your graph. Compromise...everyone loses.

  3. I like a little scruff, but I'm not sure how I'd feel about a full on beard. If they suited it I guess it would be okay.

  4. Definitely pro-beard. Even better if a guy has cool glasses and looks like Ray LaMontagne.

  5. joint custody of your face - that's really funny

    and your chart made me laugh outloud

  6. ZZ Top beards are unique to those rockin' Texans only. But I guess since you're married there's no need to impress LOL Scruff is pretty sexy though so I say trim it. I'm a little bit surprised there's even anniversary kisses at that stage haha :)

  7. I will always be pro-beard. Unless the guy happens to be one of those poor souls who can only grow something splotchy. Poor guys.

    Goatees, however, are never, ever a good idea.

  8. I am pro-beard. I always encourage my boyfriend to keep his goatee. But ZZ Top level is just way too much hair for me. I'd feel weirdly jealous.


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