Monday, November 8, 2010

"Exercise" and "discouragement" are often used in the same sentence

Tonight a friend told me, “Hey, you've lost some weight!” and it was bittersweet. Sweet because, yeah, I really have lost some weight, and bitter because, yeah, I used to be a lot fatter than this. I've struggled with weight for a while now and it was nice to get some recognition.

If you too want to look... uh, less fat, just follow my simple step-by-step instructions and see pitifully small results that don't seem proportional to the amount of effort you're putting in, and only after several weeks and months of hard work! It's easy and fun!

Step 1: Grow a beard, which goes a long way toward covering up a double chin. (If you are a woman or a sissy man skip to step 2.)

Step 2: Stop consuming soda, candy, ice cream, fast food, etc. A good rule of thumb is, “If it tastes good, don't eat it.”

Step 3: Make yourself exercise. One of the best things you can do is join a gym because once you begin paying handsomely for the privilege you will be much more likely to work out. That's what motivates me, anyway.

One of my preferred (the one I hate the least) exercises is running. I prefer to run outdoors, but this time of year it is too cold to do so and now I have to run on a treadmill, which I hate for the following reasons. First, treadmills are merciless, feel no pity and if you can't keep up they will buck you right off; and second, once you get done running on a treadmill your top half still feels like it is moving forward at running speed while your bottom half feels like it is wading through peach Jello with Mandarin oranges imprisoned in it.

At my gym the treadmills are placed near a large window that overlooks the pool and I know it's only a matter of time until I get thrown off, crash through the window and land on the unsuspecting people swimming laps.

How is everyone else doing on their physical fitness? Making any headway? Or are you one of those no good, low down, dirty, rotten people who can eat whatever they want, never exercise and stay skinny? Leave a comment if you please.

And you might be interested to know that our upstairs neighbor continues to increase in creepiness and we've decided he might be the West Mesa Bone Collector.