Monday, October 25, 2010

Ingratitude! thou marble-hearted fiend

Last Halloween I splurged and bought tons of good candy to give out to trick-or-treaters. I had some dream of being that house that kids want to come to because the candy is so plentiful and delicious and they tell all their friends. But it was not to be.

One of the first kids to come through looked into his pillowcase after I had given him the candy and said, “Ugh, I don't want that!” So I said, “Fine! Be that way. Next year it's Smarties for everyone.”

This year I'm not spending a dime. A metric ton of Smarties costs about as much as a few potatoes (which I also considered giving out, just to spite the little punks) and that's all I'm willing to spend on these ungrateful brats.

Trick-or-treater: “Hey, what happened to the good candy from last year? What's up with all the Smarties?”

Me: “Well you can thank Mr. Bad Manners over there for ruining it for everyone. You're lucky I'm not giving out toothbrushes!”

If any kids give me attitude this year I'm going to take them to some Republicans and say, “This kid was asking for a handout.” That kid won't stand a chance.

Honestly, it's all for the best. If I have a bowlful of nasty candy, I am much less likely to eat it myself. Last year I almost ran out of candy and I blamed it on greedy kids. However, if I am completely honest I must admit that I ate a fair amount of it myself.

Miniature Snickers are like crack cocaine.

Am I overreacting? Smarties were the bane of my childhood trick-or-treating but does anyone else like them? Leave a comment if you please. 


  1. When you write about "Smarties" I have to remind myself you're talking about what I know as "Rockets" - my dad's favourite candy.

    Smarties in Canada are like M&Ms.

    One year the kid that delivered our newspaper threatened to not deliver it unless we gave him more candy. My dad said no, and the kid stick to his plan - no paper for us.

  2. After reading Allison's comment, i'm confused. Smarties are smarties, are they not? Or are they the shitty sugary, practically-tasteless Rockets?
    I'm complaining to US/Canada relations officials. They need to clear this shit up!

  3. Daniela - Americans don't have OUR Smarties. Smarties in the States are Rockets.

    Our Smarties are delicious and would not make good punishment for children.

  4. I like Smarties, but I much prefer chocolate when it comes to Halloween candy.

  5. Here I'm talking about the American sugar candy that is hard and sour and comes wrapped in a roll. They are shaped and textured like little pills. I hated them as a kid because I wanted chocolate and I always got tons of Smarties instead and I thought they were nasty. I had no idea they were called Rockets in other places. Good to know!

    And some people like them, you say? Well to each his own.

  6. Now that this is all clarified...i don't like either. M&Ms are soooo much better.
    I look forward to hearing some comments from the bratty children though! lol


Commenting is good for your health! Or so I have read.