Thursday, October 14, 2010

He's just being neighborly

I've been withholding judgment for a while but now I've come to the certain conclusion that our upstairs neighbor is a serial killer. Don't believe me? Here is the evidence:

First, he lives one the third floor, we live on the second and he is always sitting out on his balcony and smoking. Sitting on a balcony and smoking is not creepy in an of itself, but he watches us from the minute we get out of our car to the minute we go inside. It's not a flattering type of watching like, "Look at that attractive couple," or even a mocking sort of watching like, "Look at that funny-looking couple." Instead it's a creepy kind of watching, like, "After they go missing, I wonder how long until someone calls the cops?" or "I wonder what I would look like wearing his skin as a suit" or "I'd like their eyeballs for my collection, I believe I have room in my freezer."


Second, any time I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink of water I always hear him moving around upstairs. It's not regular steps, either. It's more like dull thuds, heavy footfalls and slow, creaky shuffling. What is he doing at that late hour? Oh, I don't know, maybe disposing of a body! What else would someone be doing at 3 a.m.?

Lastly, he starts playing his music at top volume at 6:30 a.m., even on weekends. That doesn't sound like a hardcore serial killer trait, but it does show his psychopathic disregard for other people. It is clearly sadistic behavior to wake people up on a Saturday morning with a muffled "Kiss On My List" by Hall and Oates coming through the ceiling, along with other classic hits.

In my half-asleep state I start playing "Name That Tune" and it drives my wife nuts.

"'Wheel in the Sky?' Is that Kansas?" I will ask my wife.

"No," she will say. "Journey. You always get those mixed up. Now go back to sleep!"

Now you have the evidence, so you be the judge. All I'm saying is if I quit posting, you'll know whose freezer to look in.


Anyone else have creepy neighbors? Annoying neighbors? Leave a comment if you please.

3 comments:

  1. I used to have a creepy neighbour too. He used to sit next to his letterbox (when his wife locked him out) and stare at me in that same way you describe. Then he broke into our property while I was out and I came home to him wearing ladies' slippers and insisting it was his home...
    The next day he came over to my house (my hubby was home but thankfully i was at work) and offered a bunch of flowers as an apology to me. The hubby knew I would hate them (I was traumatised) and so they were safely in the garbage bin when I got home!

    Now I just live next door to the last guy I was with before I was in a relationship with my hubby...which one is more awkward?

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  2. About 2 months ago, I got up around 2 am to feed my son. I heard a blood curdling scream outside. About 10 minutes later 3police cars, 1 firetruck, and 2 ambulances came to a house two doors down. I still don't know what happened. Creepy!

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  3. I have neighbours who live in the house that is on the back corner of our yard - so not a direct neighbour. In the summer they are outside a lot, with there two annoying kids - one just cries the whole time she's outside.

    They also have outdoor speakers. We do as well, but ours are close to our house and are pointed downward, so the sound stays within our yard. They have speakers on the side of their pool shed. They like to blast - and i mean BLAST...like it's a concert or something - Bob Marley (or some horrible One Hit Wonders mix of 80s songs). We have a huge backyard, and sometimes I can hear Bob Marley from my driveway in the front!

    Sometimes it overpowers the music we're playing. They're horrible douches.

    I don't think they're serial killers, just ignorant people.

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