Thursday, October 14, 2010

He's just being neighborly

I've been withholding judgment for a while but now I've come to the certain conclusion that our upstairs neighbor is a serial killer. Don't believe me? Here is the evidence:

First, he lives one the third floor, we live on the second and he is always sitting out on his balcony and smoking. Sitting on a balcony and smoking is not creepy in an of itself, but he watches us from the minute we get out of our car to the minute we go inside. It's not a flattering type of watching like, "Look at that attractive couple," or even a mocking sort of watching like, "Look at that funny-looking couple." Instead it's a creepy kind of watching, like, "After they go missing, I wonder how long until someone calls the cops?" or "I wonder what I would look like wearing his skin as a suit" or "I'd like their eyeballs for my collection, I believe I have room in my freezer."

Second, any time I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink of water I always hear him moving around upstairs. It's not regular steps, either. It's more like dull thuds, heavy footfalls and slow, creaky shuffling. What is he doing at that late hour? Oh, I don't know, maybe disposing of a body! What else would someone be doing at 3 a.m.?

Lastly, he starts playing his music at top volume at 6:30 a.m., even on weekends. That doesn't sound like a hardcore serial killer trait, but it does show his psychopathic disregard for other people. It is clearly sadistic behavior to wake people up on a Saturday morning with a muffled "Kiss On My List" by Hall and Oates coming through the ceiling, along with other classic hits.

In my half-asleep state I start playing "Name That Tune" and it drives my wife nuts.

"'Wheel in the Sky?' Is that Kansas?" I will ask my wife.

"No," she will say. "Journey. You always get those mixed up. Now go back to sleep!"

Now you have the evidence, so you be the judge. All I'm saying is if I quit posting, you'll know whose freezer to look in.

Anyone else have creepy neighbors? Annoying neighbors? Leave a comment if you please.