Monday, October 25, 2010

Ingratitude! thou marble-hearted fiend

Last Halloween I splurged and bought tons of good candy to give out to trick-or-treaters. I had some dream of being that house that kids want to come to because the candy is so plentiful and delicious and they tell all their friends. But it was not to be.

One of the first kids to come through looked into his pillowcase after I had given him the candy and said, “Ugh, I don't want that!” So I said, “Fine! Be that way. Next year it's Smarties for everyone.”

This year I'm not spending a dime. A metric ton of Smarties costs about as much as a few potatoes (which I also considered giving out, just to spite the little punks) and that's all I'm willing to spend on these ungrateful brats.

Trick-or-treater: “Hey, what happened to the good candy from last year? What's up with all the Smarties?”

Me: “Well you can thank Mr. Bad Manners over there for ruining it for everyone. You're lucky I'm not giving out toothbrushes!”

If any kids give me attitude this year I'm going to take them to some Republicans and say, “This kid was asking for a handout.” That kid won't stand a chance.

Honestly, it's all for the best. If I have a bowlful of nasty candy, I am much less likely to eat it myself. Last year I almost ran out of candy and I blamed it on greedy kids. However, if I am completely honest I must admit that I ate a fair amount of it myself.

Miniature Snickers are like crack cocaine.

Am I overreacting? Smarties were the bane of my childhood trick-or-treating but does anyone else like them? Leave a comment if you please. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

He's just being neighborly

I've been withholding judgment for a while but now I've come to the certain conclusion that our upstairs neighbor is a serial killer. Don't believe me? Here is the evidence:

First, he lives one the third floor, we live on the second and he is always sitting out on his balcony and smoking. Sitting on a balcony and smoking is not creepy in an of itself, but he watches us from the minute we get out of our car to the minute we go inside. It's not a flattering type of watching like, "Look at that attractive couple," or even a mocking sort of watching like, "Look at that funny-looking couple." Instead it's a creepy kind of watching, like, "After they go missing, I wonder how long until someone calls the cops?" or "I wonder what I would look like wearing his skin as a suit" or "I'd like their eyeballs for my collection, I believe I have room in my freezer."

Second, any time I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink of water I always hear him moving around upstairs. It's not regular steps, either. It's more like dull thuds, heavy footfalls and slow, creaky shuffling. What is he doing at that late hour? Oh, I don't know, maybe disposing of a body! What else would someone be doing at 3 a.m.?

Lastly, he starts playing his music at top volume at 6:30 a.m., even on weekends. That doesn't sound like a hardcore serial killer trait, but it does show his psychopathic disregard for other people. It is clearly sadistic behavior to wake people up on a Saturday morning with a muffled "Kiss On My List" by Hall and Oates coming through the ceiling, along with other classic hits.

In my half-asleep state I start playing "Name That Tune" and it drives my wife nuts.

"'Wheel in the Sky?' Is that Kansas?" I will ask my wife.

"No," she will say. "Journey. You always get those mixed up. Now go back to sleep!"

Now you have the evidence, so you be the judge. All I'm saying is if I quit posting, you'll know whose freezer to look in.

Anyone else have creepy neighbors? Annoying neighbors? Leave a comment if you please.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Candy candy candy

As I've mentioned, I'm pretty excited about Halloween, specifically the candy part of Halloween. I bought some the instant I saw it on shelves, which gave me an idea for an ingenious experiment.

I didn't think of the experiment right away, though. It was September 15 and I had a HUGE stash of Halloween candy. I knew I had better do something or I'd eat it all myself, so I bought a candy dish and put it on my desk at work with the hope that my coworkers would eat it all for me.

Once my supervisor spotted the dish he started coming into my office more frequently. Much more frequently. He would come and chat personally about things he used to e-mail me about, all while helping himself to giant fistfuls of candy. While my co-workers were getting photocopied memos delivered to their mailboxes, I was getting personal visits from the boss, and he was getting all of my Mr. Goodbars. I tracked how often he came in and came up with this highly scientific graph:

As a side note, more and more employees are getting candy dishes now that we are in October. Since then, I've busted my boss sneaking into their offices while they weren't there to raid their candy dishes, no joke! As the boss he has a key to all the offices and he is breaking into offices to steal candy. I know he must do that to my dish also because my candy practically evaporates and I can't refill it fast enough. I think he has a candy problem and I should stop enabling him.

Anyway, I put apples in my candy dish just to see what would happen. So far I have not seen hide nor hair of my boss.

Is anyone else a candy addict or a candy enabler? Leave a comment, if you please.

Monday, October 4, 2010

This might be an overshare but...

It is super easy to get fat but it is pure agony to try and get un-fat, and I may just quit trying.

I guess I don’t quite consider myself “fat” just yet. I like to think of myself as “chubby,” but I know with depressing certainty that “Chubby” is just a rest stop on the highway to Fatty Acres. It’s a super slippery slope because they road into Fatty Acres is paved with delicious things like donuts, pizza and ice cream; whereas the road out of Fatty Acres is bristling with miseries like exercising, sweating and healthy eating. It’s no wonder a lot of people arrive in Fatty Acres and retire there. It’s like the Hotel California.

I’m sure I’m not the only one to discover that it is not easy changing lifelong habits. Currently I’m on the road to Healthier Living but it is horrendously bumpy and my willpower keeps breaking down. I really miss all my friends back in Fatty Acres, too. Little Caesar doesn’t call as often as he used to. I send Ben and Jerry letters sometimes. Dr. Pepper still texts me now and again but it’s not the same.

Despite all this, my wife says she loves me just the way I am. The only reason people get skinny is to find a partner, and I’ve already got one locked in for forever. If my wife loves me the way I am, then why do I need to keep trying to be fit? Nobody likes an overachiever.

I think my reasoning is quite sound.