Thursday, September 16, 2010

If anyone else asks me to play Santa Claus somebody is getting hurt

I know it is way too early to talk about Santa Claus, but at a recent staff meeting my co-workers were discussing the upcoming office Christmas party. The issue of who would play Santa Claus came up and the role of Santa was offered to me with the following justification:

“You have to play Santa because Male Co-worker and Other Male Co-worker are too skinny. You have the, uh, right build.”

Rude! Asking a man if he would like to play Santa Claus is like asking a woman if she is pregnant. It is impolite and should not be done under any circumstances.

Furthermore, am I the only was who was horrified to find out about - as I like to call it - The Santa Claus Conspiracy? At a tender age I started to realize that the whole Santa Claus story didn’t add up and angrily confronted my parents.

“Just what are you trying to pull here?” I demanded.

My parents – who never once suspected I was onto them - spilled the red and green Christmas beans and I was mortified, speechless with horror. Parents, relatives, made-for-TV-movies, the rest of the media at large and adults in general had conspired against me my whole life to make me to believe that an obese elderly man in festive red attire would land his livestock on my roof and bring me free stuff, asking nothing in return. I should’ve known the story was fake all along because nobody does anything nice without expecting something in return!

After Santa Claus was debunked, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Great Pumpkin, Albuquerque Turkey, Kermit the Frog and all of their contemporaries fell in short succession. What else had my parents and everyone else lied about? What other dark conspiracies were there, and how deep did they go? Did the President of the United States, the Pope or Oprah know about Santa Claus and similar frauds, and, if so, why weren’t they taking actions to stem the large-scale deception of children?

It will be a long time before my wife and I are foolhardy enough to have children, but when we do we will have to decide whether or not we carry on the treacherous tradition of Santa Claus. Obviously I am avidly Anti-Santa but my wife is a staunch Santa sympathizer and advocates lying to little children. I sense we have a heated debate in our future.

I, of course, refused to play Santa for moral reasons as I cannot in good conscience take part in perpetuating this holiday hoax.

And it’s insulting. “The right build” indeed!


If you are the Christmas celebrating type, are you Pro-Santa or Anti-Santa and why? Will you do Santa Claus with your children? Leave a comment if you please.

5 comments:

  1. Well, while the crushing realization that you've been duped can make you feel idiotic and pitiful, I think that kids whose parents have clued them in tend to be horrible smug little SOBs who enjoy crushing other children's dreams. I say you never tell them outright whether it is or is not so, but say things like "People say he exists" or something else so you never technically lie.
    The reason parents tell their kids stories like this is to scare them into good behavior, and it works too well to abandon.
    But dude, the office santa thing? TOOLS.

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  2. I think we try to be vague about the Santa thing. "Santa" fills everyone's stocking and then the main gift is from mom and dad.

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  3. You also have to think that kid's have to go to school with other children...and do you really want your kid to be the one who ruins Christmas for the rest of his classmates by telling them Santa isn't real?

    I believed until my brother and I found the gifts hidden. My brother wrote a nasty letter to Santa that year that said: Dear Santa (Really Mom and Dad)...etc.

    We are both pretty well-adjusted adults now - so I don't think there's any harm in giving kids a bit of magic in their lives - even just for a little while.

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  4. The Christmas Gorilla, man. Stockings full of bananas. Let's deceive our kids with style.

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  5. I'm planning on telling my future children about Santa starting with Christmas #1, so they can ruin it for all their friends.

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