Monday, May 17, 2010

Horror movies, fruit snacks and chocolate chip waffles

I have a secret: the other night I ate SEVEN packets of fruit snacks.

That means I have a problem with fruit snacks and have hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is when you can finish the better part of a whole box of fruit snacks and not even flinch. I need to go to a 12-step fruit snack program and get a fruit snack sponsor. Can somebody be my sponsor?

Actually, the problem is whenever I'm doing something AND eating, I always end up eating approximately 10 times what I would normally eat. If I am watching television I will eat whatever is in front of me and anything that wanders into my line of sight.

When I consumed my seven packets of fruit snacks I was putting a vacuum together. By the time it was finished I realized I had eaten all the fruit snacks in the house. When I tried to go to sleep all of the fruit snacks congealed in my stomach into one giant fruit snack about the size of a football. I had eaten a seven layer burrito earlier in the day and together with the ball of fruitsnack it boiled and seethed and turned my stomach into seven layers of gastrointestinal rage.

I took some Tums and they started to fight the Fruitsnack/Burrito Axis of Evil. The Tums were winning, but the battlefield was my stomach and the Tums victory was hard won, let me tell you. I thought I was going to die.

Thankfully I'm not the only one with stomach problems. My wife, all of my immediate family and all of my friends have gotten some kind of puking stomach flu. I haven't gotten it yet and that makes me like the last surviving teenager in a horror movie. It's only a matter of time until the killer/monster comes for me.

Some squeamish people can't handle vomit and they say it makes them sick to even see it. Throw up is kind of a part of life, especially if you're from a big family like me. When I was growing up it seemed like somebody was always puking, so vomit is not a big deal, nor is cleaning it up. So cheer up, get your mop and try not to think about it.

How do I ward off a nasty stomach flu that makes you throw up for several days? I don't know, but I'm very open to suggestions. I figure I need to boost my immune system with lots of sleep and healthy food. I started off by making myself a plate of syrup-drenched chocolate chip waffles because chocolate has, like, antioxidants and crap, right? It is practically a stomach flu vaccine.

More importantly, chocolate chips make everything taste better. Chocolate chips would even make liver and onions taste better.

Yuck. Speaking of puking...