Monday, May 10, 2010

Going back to work is scary OR This is what it sounds like when your appliances are inhabited by evil spirits

I just got back from a week-and-a-half long vacation and the adjustment from not working to working is the worst. After sleeping in every day for 10 straight days, the sound of an alarm clock is the most blood-curdling, stomach-ulcerating, liver-gelatinizing sound that has ever befallen my tender ears. It was awful.

I came in to work and tried to lay low for a while. I figured they had gotten used to me being gone and wouldn’t notice I was back. My hope was that they would leave me alone for a day or two so I could ease back into work life, but no such luck. A supervisor spotted me in the first 15 minutes and loaded me up with work like a sturdy pack mule. It also turns out that they had been assigning me things to do while I was gone, so I had a bunch of overdue assignments greeting me upon my return.

It’s great to be back.

Other employees wasted no time telling me how much work it was to cover for me while I was gone. They thought they deserved a Presidential Medal of Honor, Purple Heart and a Grammy, even though it is only fair because I always cover for them when they go on vacation. “Keep whining and I’ll go on vacation again!” I told them. It quieted them down, but was totally a bluff because I used up every drop of my leave and I am not going anywhere for quite some time.

The real problem is my attitude: I hate working. I tried not working for a while and it really suits me. I had a real talent for it. I just need to find a way to not work for a living.

On the upside, I got new shoes. Back on the downside, when I walk one of the insoles makes a sound like heavy breathing, like someone is prank calling my foot. Depending on how fast I walk my shoes also can sound like a depressed sigh or an out of shape person climbing stairs. It’s kind of embarrassing.

Also, since I’ve returned to the office an evil spirit has inhabited my CD player. I’ll be listening to a CD and my CD player will randomly change songs. I thought that the CD was scratched but I checked and it was flawless. I’ve tried other CDs and they change tracks too. I think the CD Player Poltergeist is just picky about what it wants to listen to and changes tracks according to its mood, like some kind of Phantom DJ.

This is not my first experience with haunted appliances, though. In one of my old apartments the fridge used to make noises that sounded like the beat for “When Doves Cry” by Prince. I tried to call Ghost Hunters to get them to document and investigate my icebox haunting but they said they don’t cover musical appliance phenomena.

“Does it also play ‘Little Red Corvette’?” they asked.

“No one likes a smart aleck,” I replied. “And no, the fridge only plays songs from the Purple Rain album. ‘Little Red Corvette’ is from 1999.”

“What about songs from when Prince was ‘The Artist’?”

“No! Just Purple Rain, man! Listen to what I’m saying!”

“Well, call back if it starts playing ‘Let's Pretend We're Married.’ I love that song.”

Ghost Hunters think they’re so clever.