Monday, April 19, 2010

In defense of Bridezilla

This is my 101st consecutive blog and it is about weddings, specifically mine, which happens this Friday. It’s ironic because my very first blog ever was about weddings, and here I am getting married.

My fiancée and I discussed it and she knew when I asked her to marry me that our engagement came with a built-in exit clause, meaning that I reserved the right to call it off if she went crazy, and she had a right to call it off if I went crazy. I put that in there because I’ve seen many a sane woman go absolutely mad with power because someone was stupid enough to buy her a diamond.

When we were buying the ring our diamond salesman was showing her different rings and going on and on about cut, color, clarity and a great many other things that were way over my head. My wallet and I were bracing for impact but my fiancée said, “Do you have something smaller and simpler?” With great pride and relief I thought, “I have asked a good woman to marry me.”

My fiancée has had the diamond for many months now and has yet to turn crazy, so I am pretty happy. Everyone kept warning me that she was going to turn into Bridezilla, and I was so busy keeping an eye on her that I was totally taken by surprise when our parents turned into marital terrorists who wanted to hijack the wedding.

“We demand such-and-such!” they said.

“But it’s OUR wedding!” we said, stupid and naive.

“But we’re paying for it,” they said.


My cousin recently got married and afterwards she made the following observation. When a couple gets married their parents swoop in and take over everything. Robbed of “their” wedding, the married couple nurses their indignation for years until their own children get married. Then they swoop in, take over the wedding and put on the wedding their own parents prevented them from having, whether their children want it or not. Thus the cycle repeats forever and ever and you don’t actually get the wedding you want until you force it on your children.

On the whole it hasn’t been too bad. Our parents are only moderately crazy and I know other couples who have had it way worse. What’s really bothering me these days is that obnoxious people keep asking us about babies, like, “When are you going to start a family? How many kids are you planning on having?”

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Slow down! We aren’t even married yet and those are very personal questions! You don’t see me prying into your reproductive agenda, do you? What a terrible thing to ask a couple! Perhaps one of us is out of order and we can’t have kids, or perhaps we aren’t yet masochistic enough to subject ourselves to parental servitude. Either way, it’s no business of yours.

You are, however, welcome to come to our wedding reception and give us presents. Waffle irons are nice, and we’ll give you some cake for your trouble.