Monday, March 8, 2010

Now you sea me, now you don't OR Monster sea, monster do

I was trying to think of a blog topic for this week but over the weekend a topic found me. I was driving along, minding my own business, when I drove right smack into a sea monster.

Sea monsters are not indigenous to the greater Albuquerque metropolitan area but I saw one just the same. It was late at night and my fiancee and I were driving in a part of town we don't usually frequent. It was very dark and I saw the spiny coils of the monster rising in the distance. As we drove closer I determined that it was actually a statue of a sea monster, a very accurate representation. It really captured the essence of what a sea monster is all about, which is menacing ships, eating sailors, etc. It was an awesome sight to behold.

However, as I was beholding, I drove right into the curb. It felt like I had just run over a medium-sized rhinoceros, but I kept driving and my tire ran out of air shortly thereafter.

Luckily the tire waited to deflate until we were in the sketchiest possible part of town. We limped to a stop at the seediest hotel I have ever seen. I was scared but I had to put on a brave face for my fiancee and got out and started changing the flat. I soon found out that the place that had put my tires on had cross-threaded two of the lugnuts, which promptly snapped off as I strained to get them loose. Since my fiancee was with me I had to try and do all this with minimal profanity, which slowed down the process immensely.

A pimp and a crack dealer sauntered over and offered to help but by that time I had the surviving two bolts on the spare. We drove off into the night, hoping the tire didn't fall off.

The next morning I had to take my car to the tire store and explain to the tire salesman why I needed a new tire.

Tire salesman: So you were looking at a sea monster and you-

Me: Statue. Sea monster statue.

Tire salesman: Right. So you were looking at a sea monster statue and hit a curb?

Me: Correct.

Tire salesman: I think you're crazy but I'd like to take your money.

The challenge with buying anything these days is not getting sold tons of extra stuff. The tire salesman wanted to sell me four new aluminum rims, so I had to remind him that I actually just needed one tire and zero rims, thank you very much.

There was also a happy alcoholic next to me and he was asking his tire salesman how long it would be until his car was finished because he had a 15 pack of beer he wanted to get home to.

“I love the 15 pack. They just invented it,” he said. “It has three more beers than a 12 pack. It's AWESOME.”

Then the happy alcoholic seemed to realize he had been a mite too enthusiastic.

“It usually takes me a week or so to get through one of those,” he said. “It depends on the week, though. Some weeks require more beer than others.”

His tire salesman looked like he could use a beer himself. He cheered up quickly because apparently the happy alcoholic had already broken into the 15 pack and was only too willing to buy 4 brand new aluminum rims

Which goes to show that every cloud has a silver lining. And every sea monster.