Monday, March 1, 2010

Hands free is the way to be OR Wave 'em like you just don't care

I know I say this about every other week but the good times are officially over! Wanna know how I know? Because I just bought a “hands free” device for my cell phone. Good times = SO OVER.

Everyone knows that only annoying, self-important adults use hands free devices, but I didn't know what else to do! It's illegal to talk on your cell phone while driving where I live and I spend a ridiculous amount of my time commuting. And then once I get to work I usually jump in a company car and drive around for a good portion of the day. Sometimes I have to talk on the phone while I'm driving. I really feel like I didn't have much of a choice in the matter.

Sherman Alexie said white people invented commuting, and if that's true then I am ashamed. I guess white people also invented atomic weapons, “American Idol” and disco, so I shouldn't be surprised. I think white people invented suburbs, so it follows logically that they invented commuting.

Believe me when I say that if I ever figure out exactly which white person invented commuting, they are getting punched in the face, no questions asked. I don't know who it is, but they probably live in Portland, work at Starbucks and drive a Subaru with lots of bumper stickers, so they’ll be easy to find. Perhaps I will run into them at an ugly sweater party or a Vampire Weekend concert.

But don't worry, I didn't get a Bluetooth or anything. I have a long history of talking trash on Bluetooth users dating back to the first time I saw a man having a really animated conversation with himself and decided he was having a psychotic break. I couldn’t very well go out and buy a Bluetooth, now could I? It would severely tarnish my reputation and smudge my self respect.

While looking at other hands free options I saw a little device called a “Jawbone.” Who is naming these things anyway? They sound like World of Warcraft avatars or fantasy novel characters, like “Jawbone the Warrior” or “Bluetooth the Mage.”

I am not an authority of hands free devices, nor am I an authority on being cool. However, I do not believe that hands free devices are cool, and if you think you look cool you need to stop and take a good hard look at yourself. I do believe that hands free devices are permissible inside of a car and maybe an office but nowhere else. Ever. Here are some examples:

Bluetooth at a restaurant = hands free faux pas
Bluetooth in the store = hands free faux pas
Bluetooth in church = hands free faux pas
Bluetooth while using a urinal in a public restroom = hands free faux pas

Basically, a hands free faux pas is any situation where other people who are not part of your conversation are forced to hear your conversation.

Having said all of that, I still bought one. It was only $9, it plugs into my phone and I never use it outside of the car. I promise! What frightens me is: if I'm buying a hands free telephone device, what's to stop me from getting other adult items like a child, an unhappy marriage or a car payment I can't afford? The frail threads to my disappearing youth are steadily being severed one by one and I don't know how I-

Gotta go, I have to take this call.