Monday, January 4, 2010

Top 5 Reasons why it's good to be a man OR I was recently diagnosed with amenorrhea, but they tell me that’s normal OR I like being a man. Period.

Before you get upset just remember that the title of this week’s blog is “Top 5 Reasons Why It’s Good To Be A Man.” Good, not better.

I always complain about having to pay for dinner and basically everything else, but there are a few things women deal with that I’ve always thought, “I’m glad I don’t have to do that.” So I made a list. (There are probably similar blogs/lists on the internet but I assure you mine is the best.)

1. Menstruating. Yeah, I said it. I figured I’d get that one out of the way first. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with it. I saw a commercial on TV for Pamprin or Midol or something like that and I realized that men don’t have their own special brand of pain reliever. Perhaps that is significant.

Some girls claim to get moody or emotional during this time. I don’t know whether that is true or they just like an excuse to yell at people. Either way I can do without.

I don’t even want to talk about the squeamish subject of “feminine hygiene products,” but I opened this can of worms so I better just finish it out. I work in an office that is 98% women. When you are the only man in the room women kind of forget you are there and talk accordingly. Consequently, I’ve been privy to way too much uncensored girl talk, including topics like wings, strings, etc. The moral of the story is… gross.

2. High heels. I’m curious how many women have rolled, sprained, twisted or otherwise broken their ankles hobbling around on these crazy things. I asked a girl once why she wore high heels and she replied, “They make your butt look cute.” That’s crazy! I don’t care how cute high heels make your butt look. If there were shoes that made my pecs and biceps look huge but mutilated my feet and made me totter around like a stiltwalker I would… probably wear them.

3. Eyelash curlers. I saw a woman doing her makeup the other day. She pulled out a scary-looking device and started to raise it up to her face. I tried to stop her by yelling, “Look out! Don’t put that in your eye!” But that’s exactly what she did.

4. Childbirth. They made us watch a video of a woman giving birth in ninth grade health class and it was… unsettling, to say the least. A new mom recently told me, “Having one child makes you not want to have any more. I’m adopting from here on out.” From what I know, the only thing that could compare with the discomfort and inconvenience of being pregnant is the discomfort and inconvenience of living with a pregnant woman.

5. Waxing. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I have gorilla werewolf arms. I was going through a particularly vain phase earlier this year and decided to wax my arms. I know, I know. I don’t know why, I just did. It is safe to say that it would have been more pleasant to have my arms filed off or amputated with teaspoons and stumps would have been more attractive than ingrown hairs.

Basically women have the market cornered on pain, so I guess I’ll pay for dinner. Just keep those eyelash curlers away from me.