Monday, November 23, 2009

Turkey overdose kills New Mexico family OR Turkey for me and turkey for you

As the year draws to a close I try not to think about all the New Year's resolutions I haven't kept or how the year has gone by so fast and I haven't accomplished half of the things I wanted to. Instead, I think about all the holidays coming up and all the food I'm going to eat.

This week is Thanksgiving aka The Great Turkey Massacre aka Vegan's Worst Nightmare. I laugh really hard inside when I think that this state-sanctioned turkey genocide must chafe vegans like crazy. I don't disagree with vegans in principle, I just think that most of the vegans I've met are snotty, pretentious, hypocritical and holier-than-thou like crazy. I get along better with plain ol' vegetarians because we have more things in common like eggs, cheese and Ben & Jerry's.

Only in America would we devise a holiday devoted to eating. The best way to celebrate is with excesses of excesses, I always say. According to stuff I found on the internet, the average American consumes around 5,000 calories and 229 grams of fat on Thanksgiving. That is like eating two and a half days worth of food in one meal plus a few tablespoons of lard. It is also about as much as people in other countries eat in one month. God bless America.

My family gets together and cooks all morning and most of the afternoon. We each make a certain dish and my mom acts as Thanksgiving commander-in-chief, coordinating our efforts to make the stuffing, potatoes, side dishes and desserts. It's quite a job. She does all this while she handles cooking the sacrificial turkey and making the gravy and such.

I saw my mom make gravy one year and that is a gross process. First you pull a little plastic bag of turkey organs out of the middle of the turkey where they are preserved like some urn in an Egyptian mummy sarcophagus. Then you chop them up and cook the crap out of them and voilĂ ! Turkey innard gravy. Mmmmm-mmmmm. I might become a vegan too, if I think about it too much. But it tastes so good on mashed potatoes.

After cooking for 8 or so hours and when the turkey, gravy, potatoes, 800 sides dishes, 800 pies, salads, relish tray and cranberry sauce are all ready we sit down and start our feast. We eat for about 30 minutes. Then we stagger away from the table and scatter throughout my parent's house and find a place to sleep like people in drug-induced comas. If you came into the house right after we eat you might mistake us for some cult mass suicide.

After Thanksgiving we have left-over turkey that lasts approximately until next Thanksgiving and turkey hangovers, which can last until Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Solstice. When I wake up the day after I eat a turkey sandwich to try and clear my head, the “hair of the dog that bit you” and all that.

I perused the internet for ways to curb overeating on holiday meals. A lot of sites said to reduce your alcohol consumption, because alcohol impairs your judgement and lowers your inhibitions. That, and no one likes a drunk who eats all the pumpkin pie.

One site said not to use certain illicit drugs that make you super hungry before you eat Thanksgiving dinner, which is hilarious to me.

I never really associated Thanksgiving with drug use but I guess my family is pretty conservative in our Thanksgiving celebration.

The only drug we abuse on Thanksgiving is tryptophan, and lots of it.