Monday, October 26, 2009

Sugar and more sugar to the rescue

In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Fortunately in the fall – after he has wasted a few perfectly good seasons on love – a young man's fancy lightly turns to much more awesome thoughts of Halloween. Well, I guess I can't speak for every young man and their fancies, but I can say that my fancy turns to thoughts of Halloween, specifically the candy. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I know Halloween is coming because everyone in my office building has caught the Halloween spirit and have covered the halls and offices in skeletons, ghosts and pumpkins. One of the units has gotten really enthusiastic and their hall is way more Halloween-y than ours and they make fun of us.

Rival unit: “Hey when are you going to decorate your hallway? Oh, you already did? That's funny. It's not very scary. It looks like a baby's nursery or something. Frankly, the men's restroom is more scary than that.”

This is true. The men's restroom is pretty scary, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that it is getting kind of creepy around the office. Just the other day I was fixing my lunch in the break room and out of the corner of my eye I saw someone lurking in the shadows, watching me. It gave me the jibblies. What creepo is watching me microwave my frozen burrito? I thought, trying to quickly make a plan. Brandishing my burrito like a weapon I whirled, ready to fight. To my chagrin I had almost jumped a cardboard witch cutout that someone had put up without my noticing. Luckily, no one else was in the break room to see my burrito ninja moves.

To add to the holiday cheer a bunch of kids are coming to our office to go trick-or-treating on October 30, which is a pretty sweet deal. I figure there are at least 50 offices, the equivalent of at least two streets. The kids only have to walk a few feet between offices, which will be way quicker than if they actually went door-to-door. That is a lot of candy-per-minute, plus it's a day before Halloween so they can go out and get more loot the next day. Kids these days. So spoiled.

I feel bad giving kids a bunch of candy and sending them back to their parents all hyper and full of cavities, so I was toying with the idea of giving out something healthy, like apples or sugar-free gum or floss. Then I remembered people like the dentist that lived in the neighborhood and gave out toothbrushes embossed with his office number and I realized everybody hates that guy. When you are inventorying your stash that toothbrush goes straight into the trash, along with those black and orange peanut butter things.

This brings back all the memories of trick-or-treating as a kid, when we would try and go to the rich neighborhood because there were houses that were fabled to give out whole candy bars and dollar bills. One of my friends and I went out one year and we had been knocking doors for a while when he said, “You know, white people don't give out very much candy.”

It was true! We kept track the rest of the night and, sure enough, the people who gave out the least candy were European Americans/Anglos/caucasians/politically correct term of your choice.

“Nice. One roll of Smarties. Thanks, Mr. Johnson.”

Everybody else fairly threw candy at us. It was quite a phenomenon.

Love can wait until spring. Right now I'm glad it is the season for candy.

PS - In your experience, who gives out the most/least candy? Comment if you want.

5 comments:

  1. My house was known as the best house in town because we would give out whole chocolate bars, and would always make a plan to scare children.

    In other words, we rule.

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  2. Hilarious and yes how is the company that makes those nasty peanut butter things still in business? So hmmm where do pumpkin shaped pretzels fall on the the spectrum of "too healthy" for Halloween??? Am I in trouble with the trick-or-treaters. (I have snickers too if that will help.)

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  3. I once had a creeper give me and my siblings an apple. Scared me to the point of insomnia. Don't be that guy, Jacob. Don't be that guy.

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  4. We only get 10 or so kids at our house every year (yay for living in a neighborhood of old people!) so we've started giving out whole candy bars. It does us no good, people still don't want to come up to our house.

    At lunch yesterday, we were discussing the worst possible thing to give out for Halloween. I think above apples and toothbrushes, it would be the Book of Mormon. If you try that, though, let me know how it goes.

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  5. The best candy comes from the middle-aged couple who are watching TV and just want to get rid of it all so they can pretend they're not home. The worst candy comes from old ladies who pick out one jawbreaker at a time for each kid. They totally ruin your candy/hour ratio.

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