Monday, October 12, 2009

I left my heart in Chimayo OR Dirt off your shoulder

This week I made a pilgrimage to Chimayo, New Mexico, home of the world famous Santuario De Chimayo. It's been called “the most important Catholic pilgrimage center in the United States” and 300,000 people come to this little church each. Many of the pilgrims report experiencing religious miracles but when I went I had an epiphany about booty.

Yes, booty, if I may call it that. I'm lucky I had the epiphany at all because basically I did the whole holy pilgrimage thing all wrong. First of all, I didn't go during “Holy Week” (the week after Easter) which is reportedly the most miraculous time to go. I also didn't go to the Santuario, the historic little church that makes it all possible.

I didn't even get any “holy dirt,” which is dirt from the Santuario grounds. The pilgrims take so much with them when they leave that the church has to bring in 25 to 30 tons of new dirt per year! You're supposed to rub it on yourself or eat it, but I'm not that hardcore.

The most glaring error I made was driving to Chimayo. The truly faithful walk the whole way, from as far away as Albuquerque (90 miles).

Mostly I was just in Chimayo by coincidence.

It's a long drive so I checked out a state car for the day and brought a book on CD to listen to. Of course the car I was assigned for the day didn't have a CD player. It did, however, have a super-crackly AM/FM radio and the only radio station I could get in Chimayo was the Top 40 pop/hip-hop/R&B station.

During the drive I discovered that: 1. radio stations basically play the same ten songs over and over and 2. people who write radio songs have an unhealthy fixation on female anatomy, specifically booty in many cases.

I like junk in the trunk as much as the next guy, but I'm not about to go write a song about it, especially not one that gets played 900,000 times a day. What if my mom heard it? If she did I know I would be getting one seriously angry telephone call.

Mom: “Did you seriously write a song about some girl's butt?”

Me: “Um, yes. I believe I did.”

Mom: “So you're saying that women are little more than pieces of meat to be ogled. Didn't I teach you better that that?!”

Me: “But it's number 1 and sold a million copies! My booty song has made me a millionaire!”

Mom: “You're not my son. You and your booty song are dead to me.”

How lame would it be to be a “one hit wonder” with your one hit being a booty song? Pretty lame, I'd wager. Remember Sir Mix A Lot?

I tried to compile a comprehensive list of booty songs but I got tired. It was just too stinkin' long. And I've always wondered, what was the first booty song and who wrote it? Maybe I will get a Ph.D. and write my dissertation on booty songs. That would be rad to be the foremost authority on booty music, although it might be hard to get grants to fund my research.

Anyway, according to many songs, the most desirable traits in a woman are:

1. A hot body
2. Proficiency in “shaking it”

Personality? Overrated! Intelligence? Not necessary! Common interests? Don't bother! What you really need to be asking yourself is: “How does she look in a club on the dance floor?”

I think this is why I've been unlucky in love. I haven't put enough focus on booty.

Fortunately, it's never too late to start.

PS - When I was stopped in traffic I pulled up next to someone who was playing air drums and singing along to a song on the same station that I was listening to, so they were singing the song that was playing in my car. Weird. It felt like a very surreal, very low-budget music video, like Taylor Swift was a dude who is really good at playing air drums and drives a Ford Escort.


  1. There are so many songs about booty, that you could have subtypes:

    Strippers' booty
    Hooker booty
    Baby Mama booty
    Big booty
    Tight booty
    Underage booty...

    The list just goes on!

  2. i've been asking my male friends for a while now what it is about these booty songs that they find appealing and i'm still waiting on a decent response.

  3. um yah. if you wrote a song about booty, i would be 2nd in line behind your mother to disown you.

  4. I've been to Chimayo, and I DID get some of the "magic dirt." I had just found a lump in my breast (at age 20!), so I wanted to rub some on it. I figured it couldn't hurt!

  5. It's a good thing I can shake it, because the booty I inherited from my parents is probably the worst combo in the world. But, you gotta rock what you got, or whatever. I don't think you're ready for this jelly and what not.

  6. Um... I dunno if it helped. Probably not. But it wasn't cancer - so that's good (but three years later I got thyroid cancer - if only I had put some on my neck!!). I also went to some crazy church built into rocks in Arizone, and took holy water from there. It was a neat experience though.
    Did you go inside to see all the crutches hanging on the walls from all the people who had been "cured"?

  7. those songs all make me uncomfortable because i've got a booty and i know how to use it or whatever but it focuses all the attention right there, and i don't need any help in that department.
    know what i'm sayin'?

  8. Thanks for making me feel guilty about adopting "Whooty" as my theme song.

    Kidding. Only slightly. Hilarious post, as always.

  9. Robin,
    I didn't go in and see the crutches but that sounds cool.

    Thanks for all the comments!

  10. Remember when you begged for comments?

    I just collected an assignment from my students where they analyzed the lyrics of a song of their choice. I feel like I should donate a dollar to charity for each of the 40 papers that deal with a booty song. I'll put your name on the slip.

  11. I'm not sure I can get behind your mom disowning your for using the revelation you got on your pilgrimage...and I don't think Jesus would get behind it either. But if he did, he might comment on it's booty.

  12. Crutches on the wall.

    It was quite.... *interesting* to see.

  13. That crutch picture was cool.

    So you're thinking of starting a booty foundation, Patricia?

  14. I listened to the radio for about two weeks and then stole my boyfriend's listen-to-your-ipod-in-the-car-thing. My life is insanely better.


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