Monday, September 28, 2009

By the skin of my teeth OR The tooth and nothing but the tooth, so help me

I don't mean to brag, but when I went in to the dentist for my 6 month cleaning the hygienist fairly swooned over how good my brushing and flossing were. She complimented me on my enamel, which I thought was kind of forward but I was flattered nonetheless.

When the dentist came in and started poking around in my mouth and announced – way too cheerfully – that I had a cavity, I was super annoyed.

“What about my nice enamel?” I asked the dentist, a tad angrily.

“What about it?” she replied.

First of all let me say that dental insurance doesn't do anything for you and getting a filling was still wicked expensive. I need to quit my job and get involved in health and dental insurance. It seems like a pretty lucrative scam, plus it's more legal than selling crack and only slightly less ethical.

After they take your money the first thing they do is stick a needle in your gums. This hurts, almost as much as when they take your money. When they first stabbed me with it my eyes started to water. The assistant was pretty attractive (or at least the parts of her that weren't covered by a mask were attractive) so I was a little embarrassed. Then I remembered that they had a needle poking into my gums! I had every right to have a watery eye or two!

I was really curious about what was going on in my mouth, with it costing so much and all. They better be filling my cavity with pure gold. The dentist was wearing a face shield and I could see my mouth reflected in it. I was watching intently for a while but then I realized that me watching my reflection bore a creepy resemblance to me staring longingly into the dentist's eyes, so I quit. I didn't want to distract her while she had both of her hands in my mouth.

And speaking of hands in my mouth, I counted and during the procedure there were no less than 8 objects in my mouth at any given time. Four hands (the dentists and the assistants) plus the spit sucker, water sprayer, drill and mirror. The dentist would tell me to do stuff like, “Bite down,” or “Turn your head slightly,” but she had spit sucker, water sprayer and drill all going at the same time which amounted to quite a dental racket. I couldn't understand a word she was saying. At first she would just talk louder and louder but I still had no idea, and, even worse, I had no way to express that I had no idea. Eventually she just started pantomiming things to me, like dental Charades, which I will be playing at the next party I throw.

At one point the assistant fired up something that sounded like an outboard motor. I couldn't see it, so all I could do was be terrified. For most of the time the room also smelled like high school metal shop and all the while I was trying to keep my mind off of the fact that they were drilling into my teeth, which is easier said than done.

The cherry on top was as they were drilling Avril Lavigne came on the radio, the one where she's like, “Hey Hey You You, I can be your girlfriend.” It's a good thing I wasn't a spy with a bunch of secrets or I would have spilled them all just to make it stop.

Honestly I think I had a cavity because of my unhealthy relationship with sugar, so after this I've sworn off sugar forever. I'm a changed man.

No Snickers bar is worth that pain and agony.