Monday, August 17, 2009

I'll stick with you OR This a test

I like my new job, but the downside is that I have to commute one hour each way. The upside is that during this time I've made some important discoveries.

For anyone else who is mathematically challenged like me, I already got out the calculator and figured out that is two hours of my day spent in a car. What a drag.

But while I'm sitting in traffic I use that time to look at bumper stickers and it gives me a deep sense of satisfaction. I feel like I'm conducting social research from the comfort of my Geo Prizm.

The first thing I've realized, and this could be called “Barben's First Law of Bumper Stickers,” is that there are only two types of people who put bumper stickers on their cars: hippies and people with extremely poor taste. I feel strongly that every bumper sticker falls into one of these two categories.

“But what about political bumper stickers?” you ask. Don't worry, the First Law of Bumper Stickers applies to them, too. Here's how: liberal, Democrat-type stickers fall into the “hippy” category, and conservative, Republican-type stickers obviously fall into the “people with extremely poor taste” category.

Hippy bumper stickers include ones like “Food not lawns,” “Jesus was a liberal” and “Renewable energy is homeland security.”

Then there are all the rest. It's sad to say, but the lion's share of bumper stickers belong in the “people with extremely poor taste” category. I am hesitant to even give examples.

Fortunately even the tackiest of bumper stickers serves a grand purpose. They are kind of like a “Seal of Genuine Stupidity.” Oftentimes, bumper stickers can be thought of as the “Ignorance Broadcasting System.” Most bumper stickers might as well be saying, “I'm a huge idiot. Here's some proof. ” Just the other day I saw a fine example of the ignorance broadcasting system:

Oh. My. Goodness. All I can say is that I hope that guy gets rear-ended. And by looking at bumper stickers I can tell that I wouldn't want spend a single second with the occupant of a given car. That sounds shallow, judgmental and mean but I don't have a lot of free time, so why spend it with annoying people?

You might be surprised, as I was, to note that the crown jewel of the “people with extremely poor taste” category is not even a bumper sticker. I was driving to work the other morning and was thoroughly unsettled to see the following dangling in front of me as I waited at the stoplight:

Yes, that is exactly what it looks like: fake plastic testicles to hang from the trailer hitch of your ludicrously oversized truck. Luckily, I have to get up really early and I often skip breakfast, so I just dry heaved a bunch instead of throwing up.

The guy who invented this is either a total skeeze or a super-genius who is laughing all the way to the bank at all the skeezy dudes who are buying his product.

It made me want to get a bumper sticker that says, “God Bless America.”