Monday, June 8, 2009

Vegan in the free world OR What's so funny 'bout peas, love and understanding?

Does anybody know what is really is healthy for human beings to eat? Scientists and dietitians are always doing studies that contradict each other. Nobody can decide exactly how they feel about anything.

Take eggs. Try and figure out if eggs are good or bad for you. I dare you! For every pro-egg “Eggs Are Nutritious” article there is an “Eggs Contain Fatal Amounts Of Cholesterol” diatribe. “Eat eggs, eggs are the worst food ever, platypus eggs are ok.” I don’t know what to believe. I let these eggs into my refrigerator by the dozen and they can’t even be straight with me.

It’s all so confusing. Like with fat, there is the saturated and unsaturated kind, and within those categories are polyunsaturated fat and monounsaturated fat. There’s even a third type of fat, which is called “trans” fat. This type of fat started out as man fat but then had an operation and took hormones and became woman fat, and that’s bad for you.

I think the main problem is there is too much money to be made on diet products and trendy health foods for anyone to reveal what is actually good for people. If the scientists ever did come to an agreement, food and diet companies would never let the word get out because it would ruin all their profits.

This brings us to organic food. Is it good or bad? I have the definitive answer: no one knows. Some say it is a scam, some say that eating organic food can prevent cancer, Alzheimer’s and birth defects.

Sometimes I wonder if organic food was invented by rich people who had run out of things to spend their money on. Now they have their own class of food that is triply expensive. Poor people can’t afford it, and the people who can are able to look down on other people who don’t eat it, like, “Enjoying those pesticides, are you?”

Which brings me to other food snobs, namely vegetarians and vegans. I’m not saying that being vegan is super trendy, but I will say that you are more likely to be vegan if you are in your 20s, white, middle-class, in college and listen to indie or punk music.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of little cows and chickens getting killed to make my food, but I’d be lying if I said that I don’t crave a Number 7 every now and again. All that fat just hits the fat receptors in my brain and I just don’t worry about it anymore.

Don’t act so smug, though. I doubt soy beans get anesthetized before they get ground up to make your meatless burger! Vegetables are living things, too, you know! Like when you eat a pea pod it is like eating a little family. A whole sibling group wiped out just so that you can feel holier-than-thou.

If scientists could make chicken nuggets out of something other than chicken, I’d be all over it. If they could make tofu taste like hamburger or bacon, I’d buy a lifetime supply. The fact of the matter is they cannot. I’d rather find a slice of boiled, buttered, battered human intestine in my hot dog bun than one of those tofu dogs.

And tofu is made of soy, another food that people can’t decide whether to love or to hate. Somebody told me that it acts like estrogen when it enters your bloodstream. That is the last thing I need.

As for me, I only eat things that have died of natural causes.