We were having sandwiches for lunch the other day. I had taken a few bites and was as happy as a man can be. Until my brother Brennan started trying to punch my sandwich.
That’s right. He starts punching my sandwich like he is Rocky Balboa and my cold cut combo is Apollo Creed.
My initial response to this was: “What the heck is wrong with you?”
“No, man,” he said calmly. “It’s The Sandwich Punch Game.”
“OH! ‘The Sandwich Punching Game.’ I must have forgotten. You’re adopted. Or I am. One way or another I refuse to admit that we share genes.”
“It’s ‘The Sandwich Punch Game,’ and seriously, there are rules. And a website. You should know about this type of stuff.”
“You’re right. Lunch violence is what’s hot right now, isn’t it? I really ought to keep up.”
Brennan is unemployed and is trying to make the best of our nation’s current economic crisis by using his free time to conduct research on how many ridiculous things can be found on the internet. His recent “discoveries” include a headbanging cockatiel, Taylor Swift rapping and, of course, a game about punching sandwiches.
But it’s all true. He showed me the sandwich punching site and, sure enough, there is a ridiculously detailed and complete set of rules, official Sandwich Punch Game seal and a Sandwich Punching Hall of Fame. There’s even a Power Point presentation on how sandwich punching should be done, a "Sandwich Punching for Dummies", if you will.
It boils down to this: once you bite into a sandwich it becomes “punchable,” and as soon as you set it down you have to cover it with something (napkin, bottle cap) or else people can punch it. There are a bunch of other stipulations and clauses (they even have a provision for “Acts of God”) but that is basically the gist of it.
When Brennan introduced “The Sandwich Punch Game” into our family it was freaking havoc. It started riots instantly and sandwiches weren’t the only things getting punched. Suddenly, my brother Quinn (age 9) was yelling, “Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom! Trevor punched my sandwich!”
And my other brother, Trevor (age 12), was yelling back, “He took a bite and left it uncovered. What was I supposed to do? I had to punch it. You would have done the same thing if you were in my position.”
While Trevor was complaining my mom punched his sandwich.
I think it would be awesome to let Brennan loose at a huge picnic or a Subway restaurant just to watch him lay waste to everyone’s sandwiches. That is the funniest thing I can imagine.
I picture him running through some park like a sandwich punching warrior, leaving a trail of eviscerated sandwiches in his wake and yelling, “Ha ha! SPG, sucka! You better cover that sandwich next time! SPG, baby!”
But he tells me that you can’t punch a person’s sandwich who is not aware of The Sandwich Punch Game rules. Apparently there is also a Sandwich Punching Code of Ethics, too.
That's good, because there is nothing worse than an unethical sandwich puncher.