Monday, May 4, 2009

I ain't saying she a gold digger... Oh wait, yes I am. She's a gold digger.

One of my super-awkward roommates just got a girlfriend and I’m trying to be happy for him. He’s 20 years old, but it’s the first girlfriend he’s ever had and I feel sorry for him.

When it comes to relationships this roommate is basically a toddler, and I have a feeling he’s about to burn himself on the Hot Stove of Love for the very first time and there’s nothing I can do to save him. I’ve been burned on the Hot Stove of Love approximately one million times, and that’s a conservative estimate. I know it’s hot and that I’m gonna get burned, but I keep going back.

Take this semester for example. First there was a girl I was interested in and I put myself out there and asked her on a date. She said, “I can’t that night. I’m, uh, eating… a meal… with… someone.”

I’m no genius, but I know when I’ve been blown off.

Next, there was So-and-so, who basically chased me down. I deserved to get burned, though. We are both in college but I played all her high school games, like when she would do everything through my friends. It was not uncommon for my friends to say things like, “So-and-so wants to know how much you like her. Just tell me and I’ll text her back.”

I even started to realize that So-and-so and I didn’t have a whole lot in common. Mostly So-and-so liked tanning and shopping. Enough said. Still I kept going on dates with her, so I deserved it when one day she told me that she didn’t want to be “serious” and that she “wasn’t ready for a relationship.”

This was all a lie, of course, because the very next day she was at my apartment, sitting on the couch, putting moves on one of my roommates. Within the week they were dating exclusively and consistently doing the make-outs on our living room couch where I had to walk by and see them.

That hurt a little bit, and to add insult to injury I got word through the grapevine that So-and-so stopped dating me for the following reasons:

1. I have ugly shoes.
(This is true, but I love these shoes! I decorated them myself.)

2. I’m majoring in social work and social workers don’t make any money.
(This is also true.)

Holy Crap. I thought shallowness that profound had been eradicated, like smallpox. I hope she didn’t really say that because that would make her an ├╝ber-shallow gold digger, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, I used to resent my roommate, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that he did me a huge favor. As you can see, this girl is bad news, and I really dodged a bullet, and that kind of makes my roommate my own personal relationship bodyguard! An evil witch was gunning for me and he jumped in front of me and took the shot. Now she’s his problem, and I couldn’t be more relieved.

But now I just found out that she dumped my roommate too. I was trying to figure out why, but then I saw her hanging on some pre-med student. And, incidentally, the dumping coincided with my roommate getting new shoes. His shoes look like this:

I wish I were joking, but I’m not. My roommate tried to save us all, but So-and-so is still on the loose. If you have stylish shoes and a good job, you better watch out, ‘cause So-and-so is coming for your wallet.

Consider yourself warned.