Monday, May 4, 2009

I ain't saying she a gold digger... Oh wait, yes I am. She's a gold digger.

One of my super-awkward roommates just got a girlfriend and I’m trying to be happy for him. He’s 20 years old, but it’s the first girlfriend he’s ever had and I feel sorry for him.

When it comes to relationships this roommate is basically a toddler, and I have a feeling he’s about to burn himself on the Hot Stove of Love for the very first time and there’s nothing I can do to save him. I’ve been burned on the Hot Stove of Love approximately one million times, and that’s a conservative estimate. I know it’s hot and that I’m gonna get burned, but I keep going back.

Take this semester for example. First there was a girl I was interested in and I put myself out there and asked her on a date. She said, “I can’t that night. I’m, uh, eating… a meal… with… someone.”

I’m no genius, but I know when I’ve been blown off.

Next, there was So-and-so, who basically chased me down. I deserved to get burned, though. We are both in college but I played all her high school games, like when she would do everything through my friends. It was not uncommon for my friends to say things like, “So-and-so wants to know how much you like her. Just tell me and I’ll text her back.”

I even started to realize that So-and-so and I didn’t have a whole lot in common. Mostly So-and-so liked tanning and shopping. Enough said. Still I kept going on dates with her, so I deserved it when one day she told me that she didn’t want to be “serious” and that she “wasn’t ready for a relationship.”

This was all a lie, of course, because the very next day she was at my apartment, sitting on the couch, putting moves on one of my roommates. Within the week they were dating exclusively and consistently doing the make-outs on our living room couch where I had to walk by and see them.

That hurt a little bit, and to add insult to injury I got word through the grapevine that So-and-so stopped dating me for the following reasons:

1. I have ugly shoes.
(This is true, but I love these shoes! I decorated them myself.)

2. I’m majoring in social work and social workers don’t make any money.
(This is also true.)

Holy Crap. I thought shallowness that profound had been eradicated, like smallpox. I hope she didn’t really say that because that would make her an ├╝ber-shallow gold digger, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, I used to resent my roommate, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that he did me a huge favor. As you can see, this girl is bad news, and I really dodged a bullet, and that kind of makes my roommate my own personal relationship bodyguard! An evil witch was gunning for me and he jumped in front of me and took the shot. Now she’s his problem, and I couldn’t be more relieved.

But now I just found out that she dumped my roommate too. I was trying to figure out why, but then I saw her hanging on some pre-med student. And, incidentally, the dumping coincided with my roommate getting new shoes. His shoes look like this:

I wish I were joking, but I’m not. My roommate tried to save us all, but So-and-so is still on the loose. If you have stylish shoes and a good job, you better watch out, ‘cause So-and-so is coming for your wallet.

Consider yourself warned.


  1. "doing the make-outs" is so great, i am going to use it tomorrow. even if it makes no sense.

  2. I dunno what that girl's problem is, but those shoes (yours and the roomie's) are SO FANTASTIC.

    Sweet blog, btw. ^^

  3. Your shoes are super cool. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. They're also probably really comfy and convenient to slip your feet in on the go. Those are my kind of shoes ;).

  4. That girl is crazy — both pairs of shoes are awesome. No question.

  5. Love the Kool-aid shoes. You should tell that girl that Hugh Heffner is now single. I think he might be rich enough for her.

  6. did he seriously get the kool-aid shoes? if so, he just seriously earned major brownie points in my book.

  7. haha I liked this one. So are you done with school? The whole give us money or no diploma was pretty lame. (meaning your school not your blog) I mean you already have to get your own the diploma too?

  8. Ha ha, yep that girl is bad news. No wonder you've been listening to that "Drop the Girl" song so much lately, it definately fits. Thanks bro I will add that to my list of tests to find out if girls I date are shallow, where ugly shoes. I think I already do, but I will make sure they think they are ugly.

  9. Yea that girl did you a favor...she clearly has no taste either 'cause your shoes are pretty snazzy. She'll probably end up marrying a doctor and spending all his money so don't feel too bad. ;)

  10. Hey, I like your shoes better than your roomie's shoes haha.
    That woman is a loser!
    Don't worry I'll probably end up being a social worker once my degree is finished. Lucky my hubby isn't a gold digger...
    Actually he used to work at a gold mine...
    Well, you know what I mean.

  11. i hope so and so reads this blog post. heheh. serve her right

  12. Hahaha i can't believe it. If she's a real good gold digger should she take notice on cars? But on shoes? She's plain stupid.

  13. I don't know why you are so upset! Evolutionarily speaking, So-and-so is actually at the top of her game! She is picking out the best provider for her future young.

    She's no worse than men who only date beautiful women.

    The funny thing is that in order to rise above being "shallow" when it comes to the mating game, you have to deny hundreds of years of evolutionary coding that is hard-wired into your brain.

    I guess what I'm saying is that in some ways --- we're all shallow. Her shallowness just happens to be more obvious.

  14. Dude. Both those pairs of shoes are awesome. Kool-aid shoes? Ohhh yeahhh.

  15. i really really LOVE this post!

  16. what the... she dump a guy bcz he wear ugly shoes???


    she doesnt deserve anyone!


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