Monday, April 27, 2009

School's out for the summer

I’m about to graduate from college and lately I’ve been all smiles, but I just got a bill in the mail from my university for $35. So I called to ask what the charge was for.

My diploma!

So you’re telling me that after all the tuition I’ve paid and the books that I’ve bought, they can’t just throw in a diploma? It’s not included? There should be some fine print that says, “diplomas cost extra.”

I know it’s only $35, but to charge me for my diploma is just silly. It’s just insulting! I mean, these college people are bleeding me dry! Don’t they already have enough of my money? And how much can a fancy piece of paper with my name on it cost? I doubt it runs them $35, especially when they print them off en masse for all the hundreds of other graduates.

I guess it’s only fair that I not get my money’s worth, because my whole college experience I’ve been trying to NOT get what I paid for. I paid (handsomely, mind you) for my education, but I only want to learn the bare minimum. Actually, I don't want to learn anything, I just want a degree, man. When a teacher is lecturing, I ask them what is going to be on the test and only study and take notes on that. I only do the reading that I know there will be a quiz on. Early in the semester I figure out just how much class I can miss and not lose points. Silly, really, when I consider how much money I’ve put into this.

I’ll pay the $35, but one thing I absolutely WILL NOT do is attend the graduation ceremony and “walk.” To me, this is just a way to prolong the college agony. It’s basically a class, some faculty member droning on and on, except now I get to wear a dress and stupid hat! The dress and hat cost extra, too, by the way, and I will die before I give these college crooks one more cent of my money.

And as much as I hate classes and tests and paying for diplomas, I have enjoyed the college experience. By “college experience” I mean “chasing girls, going to parties and shows, participating in school organizations and spending time with friends.” But you can’t stay in college forever, and if that’s all you go to college for that’s kind of like buying some really expensive shoes just to play with the box.

So with all this I swore I was though with college, but recently I decided I want to go back and get my Ph.D. I was inspired by one of my professors who always wears cutoff sweatpants and muscle shirts to teach class. I just thought, “Man, I want a job where I can look as trashy as I want all the time. No more polo shirts or khakis for me!” Plus, you get summers and holidays off, just like a student. All you have to do is teach a couple of college kids just enough information for them to get their diplomas. Dream job.

Muscle shirts and cutoff sweat pants, here I come!