Monday, March 16, 2009

It's the end of the world as we know it (And I feel fine!)

The other day I was wondering if the failing economy is having a negative effect on dating and I decided that this recession probably spells the end of the human race.

How? Well dating takes money, right? So if people have less money, they are probably dating less. And if they are dating less, it probably means they are reproducing less and that means the human race will die out shortly if we don’t do something fast!

I submit that what we need to do is change how dating is done. As if dating weren’t already awkward enough, somebody had the bright idea to make the man pay for everything. I hate the guy (oh, wait it was probably a girl) who thought up this archaic practice. Or maybe no one thought it up and it just evolved from primitive mating rituals or something. Cavemen always paid for their dates, I’m sure.

To me, the injustice of it all is this: if a date goes bad for a girl, at least she usually walks away with some free stuff. A free meal, a free movie. Something. But if a date goes bad for a guy, he just paid a bunch of money to get his ego bruised.

And think about how much money has been spent when a man has dated a woman for a long time: that is quite an investment! Of course, that doesn’t mean that just because you’ve invested a bunch of money into dating someone and it’s not going anywhere that you should stick it out. Any good investor will tell you that when a stock’s value is dropping you’ve got to sell, sell, sell!

I love the Dutch people because they invented “going Dutch,” which means “paying for your own stupid self.” The ever-reliable Wikipedia tells us that in the Netherlands “it is not unusual for people to pay separately when going out as a group.” Sweet! “However, when dating in a one-on-one situation, the man will most commonly pay for meals and drinks.”

WHAT!? Say it isn’t so! But how did the expression “Going Dutch” come to be? As it turns out, the expression was invented by the English centuries ago to perpetuate negative stereotypes of Dutch people. Stupid white people! They are always discriminating, even against other white people.

Be that as it may, I once went on a misnamed “Dutch” date with a girl (it was her idea, bless her heart) and it was amazing! It was like two dates for the price of one because we got to do twice the stuff you usually do for a date because we had twice the money because she was paying for herself! Hallelujah! And she got to order whatever she wanted on the menu and didn’t have to worry if I could afford it, and I didn’t have to worry if I could afford it either.

Call me cheap if you want, but fair is fair. If you ate it, pay for it. If you watched it, pay for it. But rest assured that, in spite of the economic hardships that surround me, I will still do my duty and date and probably pay for everything, because telling some girl to pay for herself would be risky.

For future dates, I’m thinking of someplace with a dollar menu, and then writing poems on our napkins. That’s frugal and romantic.


  1. You should check your email

  2. actually i think the practice of the man paying for everything came out of the fact tht men were and still are to this day the main money money makers. if a woman is not allowed to work for money, how then can she be allowed to pay for a meal?

    of course now-adays this does not happen in most western countries. I think whoever invites someone out on the first date should pay. why should i have to pay if a guy wants to see me? if things start to go well then definitely both parites should start paying for meals and such, after all, unless the guy or gal is billionare, we can't expect the other party to be paying for everything.

  3. my favorite part of this post if your line graph! abandon ship man!

  4. I think the practice of the man paying for the date is a good one, and the reason I think it is good ISN'T BECAUSE I WANT FREE STUFF.

    I just want a guy to take charge! And if a guy is able to plan and pay for the date himself: whether it be to a fancy steak restaurant, OR one with a dollar menu --- THAT'S FINE! Just take charge of the darn thing!

    And writing poems on napkins IS both romantic and inexpensive. GO, JACOB!

  5. I'm with you up until the "dating takes money, and people don't have money, therefore we will die out" part.

    I think it more likely just means that we will date random people less, and instead, we will do dumb things like the following: instead of spending additional money on dating, we will instead just drink lots of cheap beer (or liquor of choice) with the same people we always drink cheap beer with, get really drunk, and f*** around with them. See? People are still screwing!

    Or maybe that's just my friend-group.

    On second thought, I guess you can look at your friend-group as a finite resource (just like Mother Earth, uh-oh!) - eventually you're gonna run out of friends to sleep with. And with all the drama that will likely ensue (again, maybe that's just my friend-group), you might run out of friends all together.

    I must ponder this revelation some more, but I think I have stumbled upon a new conclusion: we will all die out after years of loneliness because we banged our friends till things were too awkward. We ARE doomed! The economy is making procreation impossible!

    In sum, I guess you're right.

    (Also, thanks for the 20SB add.)

  6. i would pay for my own double cheeseburger if you wrote me a love poem on a napkin while i ate it. *sigh*

  7. I think that you might be surprised at the number of girls out there who would be ok with paying for herself. My boyfriend and I split just about everything, except on really special occasions when he stops being cheap and foots the whole bill (I pay my part my listening to him moan about it). We usually split things into halves ... like when we go to the movies, he gets the tickets and I get the treats.

    I think what needs to change about dating, is being able to talk about splitting the bill without the dude sounding like a cheap a-hole when really he's just broke.

  8. Haha, I loved reading this. It's not very often that I find blog posts that have me reading right to the end.

    I think paying for yourself is a great idea actually, but some guys insist. I think perhaps it is their opinion--or hope--that by paying they will get a little something in return.

    This sort of transaction mentality is best kept in the realm of street curbs and fishnets--but alas maybe I'm too hasty--maybe they really are just gentlemen and really really really want to pay.

    Who knows!

  9. what is this dating thing of which you speak? I'm not familiar with it.


    you're quite funny.

  10. If you ate it, pay for it.

    Soundz great!

  11. This is a tricky thing to figure out. I mean...sometimes the guy wants to pay. For some reason. So, I mean...I ain't gonna disappoint him. lol. My sister totally takes advantage of this (she basically made a lifestyle of dating men and taking their money.) so for me, I don't want to do the normal thing. But, that said, the one and only "real" date (in which I never saw the dude again) I went on, I suffered through about four hours of my stomach growling because I didn't want to make him shell out more moolah, and said-gold-digger sister had taken my extra cash because she picked up a dog that was standing in the middle of the road.

    Uh...sorry for the novel I just wrote, it's late, and I get wordy after about 2A.M.

  12. You're funny.
    My idea of dating goes as sometimes he pay, sometimes I pay (usually depending on who picks the place or who just got paid). The whole "the man always pays" deal makes me really uncomfortable. If I can't pay for myself, I rather not go out at all (unless it's a close friend whom I'm certain I can return the favor in the future).

  13. Wow, did I really use "instead" three time in the span of a sentence? Fail. No more blog-multitasking for me.

  14. jacob. i think sun soak was onto something. i'm pretty sure the practice came from, oh, about thousands of years in which women weren't along to own or profit from property.

    but because it makes me uncomfortable to subscribe to a ritual which benefits me while backhandedly demeaning my sex, i offer to pay for dessert.



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