Monday, March 16, 2009

It's the end of the world as we know it (And I feel fine!)

The other day I was wondering if the failing economy is having a negative effect on dating and I decided that this recession probably spells the end of the human race.

How? Well dating takes money, right? So if people have less money, they are probably dating less. And if they are dating less, it probably means they are reproducing less and that means the human race will die out shortly if we don’t do something fast!

I submit that what we need to do is change how dating is done. As if dating weren’t already awkward enough, somebody had the bright idea to make the man pay for everything. I hate the guy (oh, wait it was probably a girl) who thought up this archaic practice. Or maybe no one thought it up and it just evolved from primitive mating rituals or something. Cavemen always paid for their dates, I’m sure.

To me, the injustice of it all is this: if a date goes bad for a girl, at least she usually walks away with some free stuff. A free meal, a free movie. Something. But if a date goes bad for a guy, he just paid a bunch of money to get his ego bruised.

And think about how much money has been spent when a man has dated a woman for a long time: that is quite an investment! Of course, that doesn’t mean that just because you’ve invested a bunch of money into dating someone and it’s not going anywhere that you should stick it out. Any good investor will tell you that when a stock’s value is dropping you’ve got to sell, sell, sell!

I love the Dutch people because they invented “going Dutch,” which means “paying for your own stupid self.” The ever-reliable Wikipedia tells us that in the Netherlands “it is not unusual for people to pay separately when going out as a group.” Sweet! “However, when dating in a one-on-one situation, the man will most commonly pay for meals and drinks.”

WHAT!? Say it isn’t so! But how did the expression “Going Dutch” come to be? As it turns out, the expression was invented by the English centuries ago to perpetuate negative stereotypes of Dutch people. Stupid white people! They are always discriminating, even against other white people.

Be that as it may, I once went on a misnamed “Dutch” date with a girl (it was her idea, bless her heart) and it was amazing! It was like two dates for the price of one because we got to do twice the stuff you usually do for a date because we had twice the money because she was paying for herself! Hallelujah! And she got to order whatever she wanted on the menu and didn’t have to worry if I could afford it, and I didn’t have to worry if I could afford it either.

Call me cheap if you want, but fair is fair. If you ate it, pay for it. If you watched it, pay for it. But rest assured that, in spite of the economic hardships that surround me, I will still do my duty and date and probably pay for everything, because telling some girl to pay for herself would be risky.

For future dates, I’m thinking of someplace with a dollar menu, and then writing poems on our napkins. That’s frugal and romantic.