Monday, February 2, 2009

The masked super hero they call "Guilty Pleasure Man"

In life we often have mind-blowing experiences, experiences where our perceptions on life and the universe totally change. But I never expected my mind to be blown at the self-serve car wash.

But that's exactly what happened. When I pulled up, the only open spot was next to some pimped out Impala with flashy rims. Call it stereotyping, but the guy waxing it looked a little bit gang affiliated. I say this because he had on a bandana, sunglasses and a bunch of jewelry. He was also covered in tattoos. By “covered” I mean that, with the exception of his face, all his visible skin was covered with intimidating tattoos, like dragons, devils and naked women. They were even on places like his head, Adam’s apple and knuckles, all areas that had to have hurt like a high school heartbreak to get inked. I also think he had done steroids or lifted a lot of weights in prison or something because he was huge.

Hopefully I’ve established the fact that this dude was hardcore. And we’re not talking white wannabe gangster, either. This guy was a bona fide, hustlin’, real deal gangsta.

So needless to say I was a little bit intimidated as I parked next to him and started vacuuming my Geo Prizm. He had an iPod on the passenger seat that was pumping gangsta music through the loudest car stereo system I have ever heard in my life. It made the ground shake. It rattled the fillings out of my teeth.

But his iPod must’ve been on shuffle because after about three or four thuggish gangsta songs a Hootie and the Blowfish song came on! No joke!

I looked up from my vacuuming in disbelief and the dude was scrambling for his iPod. He quickly changed songs and caught me looking at him. He gave me a look that I interpreted to mean: “I have a 9mm under my seat that says you didn’t hear anything.”

So I went back to my vacuuming and I am still alive to tell the tale, although I have to believe that when he is all alone that guy probably listens to Hootie and sings right along. I can just picture him belting out, “Hooooooooooooooooooold my hand.”

This logically brings me to the topic of super powers. Yes, super powers. Like when people ask each other stupid “get-to-know-you” questions like, “If you had a super power, what would it be?” I never used to know how to answer that question, but now I do:

I would be able to telepathically know people’s guilty pleasures.

Think of it! I could blackmail so many people, like, “You better give me that sandwich or I’ll tell the world that you own all four seasons of The O.C. on DVD and that you’ve seen Spice World 32 times.”

I could deflate snotty hipsters in a single bound, like, “You say your favorite band is Vampire Weekend, what about all those Nickelback CDs in your glove box? Hmmm? You rock those ridiculously tight jeans pretty well, but what about that signed New Kids On The Block reunion tour t-shirt you have hidden in the back of your closet?”

And of course, all my guilty pleasures would all be shielded from ridicule and automatically become hip. That is an essential part of the Guilty Pleasure Super Power.

That would mean I wouldn't have to listen to Lady Gaga really quiet in my room with the door locked anymore.


  1. Jacob, you are hilarious!! And I totally believe you about the scary gangster dude. Luckily, there are very few of them in the 99% white and Mormon population of southeast Idaho!! =) I'm glad you're safe and besides, doesn't everyone love Hootie? I think I'll go listen to some "Let Her Cry" right now....

  2. Hey - there's no shame in Lady Gaga!

    I reckon that's the best super power idea ever! I wish I thought of it! But you did. Congrats.

    You're funny.

  3. scary gangster singing Hootie - that's too awesome

  4. I guess everyone loves a little Hootie...I think the only thing that could have been better would have been some polka music or something.

  5. haha! That guy must have been so embarrassed. What a hit for his tough gangsta look.

  6. Until the telepathy kicks in, I'll be happy to tell you my guilty pleasures in person.

    Thing is, I've never been anywhere CLOSE to cool, so I don't have an image to protect. So I eat Little Debbies by the box and sing along with lousy oldies radio. Who cares? If Angelina Jolie starts doin' those things it'll be news, but I'm free to do things My Way. It's glorious.

  7. I have two confessions to make.
    1. I don't like Hootie... at all. I hope we can still be friends.
    2. I actually have a New Kids on the block signed reunion tour t-shirt!


  8. I. Things You Do Not Have To Feel Guilty About: Lady Gaga, "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)," Kelly Clarkson
    II. Things You Should Feel Really, Really Bad About: Miley Cyrus. Taylor Swift. The Jonas Brothers.
    III. I Made A Third Item Just So I Could Add: Dakota Fanning.

  9. dey call me A PLUSFebruary 4, 2009 at 9:01 PM

    Whats the deal homie. I bump Hootie on my Alpine when I want to and da ladies still think Im dope.

  10. Great story... and I always thought the super power of controlling space/time would be the best, but I think you've found my new favourite.

  11. i don't know how you managed to keep a straight face! As for super power, I reckon I'd go for fart detection. Anywhere and everywhere, as soon as someone lets one rips, my finger would immediately point at them. I don't know how lucrative it would be as a super power, but it could be pretty entertaining, if only for a few minutes...

  12. That'd be a sick power!

    That reminds me of the time I accidentally pulled the headphones out of my laptop. I don't know if my roommate would have recognized that old Britney Spears b-side, but he sure gave me funny look...

    It's all good, though. You like what you like. No shame in it. Especially not Lady GaGa :P

  13. except a NKOTB tour shirt has so much ironic value right now. instead just threaten to tell everyone that they did not, in fact, like the shins before they got big and that they still listen to them even though they've sold out. oh how they will squirm!

  14. Oh, my gosh. That is so funny!

  15. LOL, I like your blog! You're funny, sing your Lady Gaga loud and proud!

  16. i once drove up to stoplight and proceeded to rap along with kanye to "gold digger" at the top of my lungs before realizing I was next to a cadillac full of guys similar to the one you mentioned who were staring at me but sort of head bobbing along. when kanye sang "leave yoru ass for a white girl" i screamed 'that's me!" and peeled off. in other words, i understand the vulnerability of catching gangsters off guard; good work on making it out alive.

  17. My dad has a classic car very similar to the gang vehicle you described, minus the wheels. He hates gangsta thug songs and LIVES for hootie & the blowfish.

    And that is a KICK ASS super power - I am floored! Great blog :)

  18. the best thing every is when you sell toilet paper to one of these characters. Everyone has to buy it- even if it's somewhat demeaning.

    At least a New Kids song didn't come on- then he really would've lost his rep

  19. I was so excited because I thought your guilty pleasure would be GTA San Andreas. :(


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