Monday, February 9, 2009

Jesse "waxes" philosophical about Valentine's Day

With Valentine’s Day approaching I’ve heard mutterings from some of my fellow single people, mutterings like “I hate ‘Single Awareness Day,’” or “Valentine’s Day sucks.” I don’t think that way, and neither should anyone else.

Let’s face it: Valentine’s Day is overrated. And in my experience, so are girlfriends. To be fair, I’m guessing there are some folks who think that boyfriends are overrated, too.

I’m not trying to sound bitter, but facts are facts, people. On Valentine’s Day, what are single people really missing? A tacky card? Some funky chocolates in a heart shaped box? Some flowers that will get all wilty within a day or two?

Frankly, I can do without.

I propose that bitter single people need to quit with this “Single’s Awareness Day Oh Poor Me” rubbish because, contrary to their whining, Valentine’s Day is easily the best day in the calendar year to be single. Why? Guess how much I spent on Valentine’s Day gifts this year? With sales tax plus shipping and handling, it came out to be roughly zero dollars and zero cents. And do you know how much I spent on a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant? Well, if you include a tip and dessert, my check came out to approximately zero dollars and zero cents.

So now I can take all the money I saved by being single on Valentine’s Day, buy a bucket of chicken and a six-pack of Yoo-Hoo chocolate flavored water, go to the video store and rent Star Wars I through VI and still have money left over. Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

So what if Valentine’s Day reminds you that you are single? That’s not necessarily a bad thing! In fact, I’d say there are some definite perks to being single. I’m not saying being single is better than being in a relationship/married/partnered/trapped. It’s just different.

So here are the top three perks, according to me:

First, I get to buy stuff without asking anyone else for permission. I never realized how nice this was until I hung out with some married people a few weeks ago. We went out for lunch and when we were ordering they were like, “It’s our money now, so is it alright if I get a burger, baby? Is it alright if I get cheese? Baby, can I get fries, too? Actually, honey, are onion rings in the budget?”

When it was my turn I just walked right up to the counter and ordered everything, super-sized it and got a frosty too, just because I could.

Second, I don’t share a bed with anyone, so I can sleep however I want. I can use maximum mattress space, drool and take 100 percent of the covers and no one will say a word to me.

And most important of all, I get to be rational. It’s a well known fact that people in love don’t act rationally. Take the Jason Mraz love song, “I’m Yours.” In it old Jason sings, “Scooch on over closer, dear, and I will nibble your ear.” A rational person would never do something as unsanitary as nibbling a human ear. That is a wax-producing organ! You wouldn’t nibble a candle or a crayon would you? And an ear is even grosser because it’s not candle or crayon wax. It’s, like, people wax, man! Gross! I get all lightheaded even thinking about it.

So you can mourn “Single Awareness Day” all you want, but as for me I will be celebrating “Valentine’s Day” all by my single self and loving it.