Monday, February 9, 2009

Jesse "waxes" philosophical about Valentine's Day

With Valentine’s Day approaching I’ve heard mutterings from some of my fellow single people, mutterings like “I hate ‘Single Awareness Day,’” or “Valentine’s Day sucks.” I don’t think that way, and neither should anyone else.

Let’s face it: Valentine’s Day is overrated. And in my experience, so are girlfriends. To be fair, I’m guessing there are some folks who think that boyfriends are overrated, too.

I’m not trying to sound bitter, but facts are facts, people. On Valentine’s Day, what are single people really missing? A tacky card? Some funky chocolates in a heart shaped box? Some flowers that will get all wilty within a day or two?

Frankly, I can do without.

I propose that bitter single people need to quit with this “Single’s Awareness Day Oh Poor Me” rubbish because, contrary to their whining, Valentine’s Day is easily the best day in the calendar year to be single. Why? Guess how much I spent on Valentine’s Day gifts this year? With sales tax plus shipping and handling, it came out to be roughly zero dollars and zero cents. And do you know how much I spent on a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant? Well, if you include a tip and dessert, my check came out to approximately zero dollars and zero cents.

So now I can take all the money I saved by being single on Valentine’s Day, buy a bucket of chicken and a six-pack of Yoo-Hoo chocolate flavored water, go to the video store and rent Star Wars I through VI and still have money left over. Happy Valentine’s Day to me!

So what if Valentine’s Day reminds you that you are single? That’s not necessarily a bad thing! In fact, I’d say there are some definite perks to being single. I’m not saying being single is better than being in a relationship/married/partnered/trapped. It’s just different.

So here are the top three perks, according to me:

First, I get to buy stuff without asking anyone else for permission. I never realized how nice this was until I hung out with some married people a few weeks ago. We went out for lunch and when we were ordering they were like, “It’s our money now, so is it alright if I get a burger, baby? Is it alright if I get cheese? Baby, can I get fries, too? Actually, honey, are onion rings in the budget?”

When it was my turn I just walked right up to the counter and ordered everything, super-sized it and got a frosty too, just because I could.

Second, I don’t share a bed with anyone, so I can sleep however I want. I can use maximum mattress space, drool and take 100 percent of the covers and no one will say a word to me.

And most important of all, I get to be rational. It’s a well known fact that people in love don’t act rationally. Take the Jason Mraz love song, “I’m Yours.” In it old Jason sings, “Scooch on over closer, dear, and I will nibble your ear.” A rational person would never do something as unsanitary as nibbling a human ear. That is a wax-producing organ! You wouldn’t nibble a candle or a crayon would you? And an ear is even grosser because it’s not candle or crayon wax. It’s, like, people wax, man! Gross! I get all lightheaded even thinking about it.

So you can mourn “Single Awareness Day” all you want, but as for me I will be celebrating “Valentine’s Day” all by my single self and loving it.


  1. I waited all week for this, and you do not disappoint

  2. Haha. I am married but we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. When I was single I never felt jealous of anyone who celebrated it with boyfriends or bad first dates because it just all seems so corny!!
    You're right. What are single people (or those who aren't celebrating it) missing besides OTT corny gifts and overcompensation for things that are missing in their relationships?! Ew.

  3. Best post ever. While I don't feel you on the Star Wars collection, I'm all about the Yoohoo purchase. That and being rational.

  4. It disturbs me that you don't already own all the Star Wars movies...however, Yoohoo and SW, that is pure brilliance.

  5. Sorry, but ear-nibbling is awesome. Especially if the ear in question is a clean one, as mine always are. My V-Day will be spent on a plane, but I plan on passing out Crocodile Hunter cards to all my seat-mates.

  6. I've been with my current boyfriend through 2 Valentine's Days and we have yet to celebrate. I made him a very kindergarten-esque construction paper card last year. I think the "holiday" (if you could call it that) is overrated.

  7. awe man. This is so true.

    Question: you say on your profile you don't want to be a social worker anymore, why not?

  8. I have to agree with you, but don't tell my girlfriend. No, seriously, don't tell her.

  9. I love Valentine's Day, because then there is a theme to decorate around. Its great having pinks, reds, and whites all over your apartment for a little while.

  10. I've tagged you for the Honest Scrap award! See my blog for rules.

  11. Oops... now you can click on my name to get to my blog.

  12. Awesome, awesome post.
    P.S. Okay, I just caught the pun in the title. Kudos.

  13. Amen bro. Corniness is dumb. Though your idea of a good time is a bit questionable, a bucket of chicken and Stars Wars? Cheers to spending your money on yourself, I love Valentines Day.

  14. love the star wars hexology plan.

    I used to hate Valentine's Day as a single person, but this year I get to cook up a corny treasure hunt while sitting back in another country admiring my efforts and know that she is going to love it. And it was kind of fun, I'm looking forward to topping it next year.

    I also have two backup plans should that first one go to pot - which the email I just received would indicate that it has....


    I mean, it is a great thing if you found someone you're so totally head over heels with, right? But what's the problem with being single?

    Sometimes I get annoyed that people:
    (a) urge me to have a boyfriend
    (b) don't believe me when i tell them i am single
    (c) don't believe me when i tell them i'm fine being single and that i don't need a boyfriend to make myself happy
    (d) ask me when am i planning to get married. (my response is always: tomorrow.)

    wax-producing organ wahahahahahahah.

  16. i feel you. also, i get super uncomfortable when someone presents me iwth something you're totally supposed to melt over (all your favorite foods prepared while you sit awkwardly on your futon) there's so much pressure to love it. and let's face it, i am not a big fan of very many things at all, so i always just end up feeling like an ungrateful bitch. i saw we all just all relax and take it like a normal saturday; hangovers, arrested development marathons and all.

  17. hahaha you're making me wish i was single!

  18. Bravo!!!! This was a FABULOUS post! haha

  19. But I thought that Lori girl who usually posts first on all your blogs was your girlfriend!?

  20. ahh yes. yoo-hoos are easily the best thing one could get for valentine's day!

  21. My roses are wilting as we speak, but I LOVED getting them and nibbling an earlobe as a form of gratitude! :) I hope I haven't dethroned the glory of this post, although I'm sure my opinions do nothing to sway the passion with which you pen these anti-ball-and-chain posts!

  22. This post is supposed to be empowering to single people, saying that they are not any better or any worse than people in a relationship. This post is not anti-ball-and-chain.

  23. Jacob,
    You're going to find me weird but I LOVE valentine's day. Even had a full blog entry about it two years ago. ( I've always loved it even when I was dating assholes and they didn't do anything for the holiday or when I was single for 3 years straight.

    I like to send my girl friends and family valentine's care packages.

    sounds like you need a vday care package!


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