Monday, December 8, 2008

Baby, you're stressing me out OR Peace of mind in three easy steps and 3,000 easy calories

It's finals week at New Mexico State University and you know what that means: STRESS! And lots of it. To survive, I’ve come up with some time-tested, foolproof methods for dealing with stress.

Method #1: Yell at family or roommates

Stressful situations make the average person want to yell. Family and roommates are the perfect people to yell at. You can satisfy your need to yell, and since they are related to you by blood, marriage, adoption or lease, these people are stuck with you, barring some kind of legal action. Friends can tell you to get lost, but family and roommates are always there, at least until the lease runs out. And they will probably all return the favor someday whenever they get stressed.

In stressful situations it is never a good idea to yell at the people who are stressing you out (teachers, employers, police officers, politicians) because that will only get you flunked or fired and it generally doesn’t accomplish anything. So just stick with family and roommates and you’ll be feeling better in no time.

Method #2: Yoga

Everyone knows that yoga brings your mind, body and, uh, chi into harmony with all the wisdom and nature spirits and so forth. It also refocuses all of your energies and stuff so that you will have nothing but good vibes and your feng shui will be top notch. Something like that, anyway. It will fix your aura right up. Plus, you get to sit on a rubber mat, play with foam blocks, do sweet poses like "downward dog" and use cool words like “namaste.” Just say it out loud: “namaste.” Ahhhhhhhh. I feel calmer already! Maybe I won’t have to yell at my roommates after all. Bless you, Confucius. Or Ghandi. Or whoever invented yoga.

Honestly, this one is kind of tricky for straight dudes to get away with because people kind of look at dudes who do yoga kind of funny, you know? I know I shouldn’t care, but can’t bring myself to do yoga. But I’m sure it’s great. So let me know how it goes.

Method #3: Emotional eating

Nothing cures stress like chocolate chip cookies. Or a bag of almond M&M’s. Or an enormous blue Symphony bar. Or a slice of peanut butter cup pie. Or all of the above. In a bowl covered in chocolate syrup. Topped with jelly beans. And Swedish Fish.

But the magic bullet for stress is Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. “Phish Food” deserves a Nobel Prize for chemistry because of the mind-blowing chemical achievement of fitting a whole day’s worth of calories into one tiny carton. In my mind it deserves two more Nobel Prizes: one for peace and one for medicine. Eat a pint and you won’t be stressed any more, I guarantee it. It will take years off your life, but you will be so relaxed.

Ben and Jerry hold the universe together as far as I’m concerned. My whole life could be coming apart at the seams (actually, it seems to do just that this same time every semester) and Ben and Jerry, being the magical, dairy farming hippies they are, can hold it all together.

The sad part is, I’ve been trying to quit sugary stuff so I am struggling. First, there are the withdrawals: shakes, headaches, flashbacks. And now I have to figure out a different way to deal with stress.

Coming home after a bad day and eating an apple is just not the same.

PS - If you have other cool/effective methods of dealing with stress, please post them in a comment for the benefit of us all.


  1. I make stuff when I am stressed out. Like a paper sculpture, a book, or a cake.

    It's not about eating the cake, it's about the making it.

  2. so as I got on this morning to come read the final product - the main article on MSN was this...

    its 10 ways to destress and they're a good deal safer/healthier for you.
    you're almost there jacob - just a few more days and you'll be stress free!

  3. Jacob Divett. I am pretty sure I'm your biggest fan, and I would like to challenge anyone who thinks otherwise. Often times my Mondays are brightened by the reading of your blogs. Even though you are not as great as you think or are constantly reminding everyone you are, you are okay. I guess. Just when you become famous, don't forget me.

  4. Ben and Jerry ice cream = heaven on earth.

  5. I would have to say that destroying objects works for me --- breaking dishes, champagne glasses and anything else that makes a great crashing sound when broken.

    I heard that a store in California started selling time and breakable objects to relieve stress for only $40.00 per 10 minutes. That sounds like a deal to me!

  6. Hey man my top three are:

    1) Playing drums. Because you hit the skins with incredible force.
    2) Breathing fresh air.
    3) Listening to happy music, like Locksley is incredibly theraputic.
    Hip Hop is good too man even though it is not necesarilly happy, that beat just gets in your system man.


    Tha Phantom Anonymous Blog Commenter.

  7. I'd have to agree that yoga is a GREAT way to relieve stress. Also, the nerd in me would like to share that it is believed yoga commenced in India, anywhere from 3000 to 5000 years ago. It's also great for people with low back pain, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and numerous other ailments. The nerd will close here. Have a great day!

  8. Karl would just like to say that it is very funny how one link leads to the next, and before you know you are reading Jacob Divetts blog, which Karl never knew existed. Karl enjoyed reading the blog but he doesn't care to yell. Maybe Karl is very stressed out and some day when he decides to yell it will be very very bad and people will get hurt, but until than no plans for yellings. Karl does like Jacobs point that his mother and sister are the most relaxed in the picture because the did the most yelling. Not only is that funny, it seems to have some truth to it. Karl says good bye to Jacob!

  9. Karl, your comment reminds me of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings because you are talking about yourself in the third person so much and saying stuff like “yellings.” Good stuff.

  10. Hitting the gym de-stresses me. A bath de-stresses me. Getting laid really de-stresses me.

  11. I watch Food Network when I am stressed out. It is a variation on eating junk food that has less calories.

  12. When stressed, I usually do #1 on your poor mom!

    If that doesn't work...I run like a maniac on the treadmill.

  13. That one flavor of Ben and Jerry's that has the pretzels in it was created by some sort of higher power who has magic deliciousness.

    And I agree with LizzyHouse - make something!


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