Monday, November 24, 2008

No-brainers, ground beef and clones OR Faking your own death is harder than it looks, take it from me OR Band on the run

I need to fake my own death, and I need to do it quick. I owe some bad people a lot of money and I need to go underground for awhile.

The tricky part is, the “bad people” are the Great State of New Mexico, and I’ve contracted to work for them for a year and a half upon my successful graduation - on the condition that they would pay my tuition.

But as it turns out, working for the state is no fun at all, plus my brother Brennan and my friends Shane and Kristen have a van, and they want to go on a full band tour this summer.

Hmmmm. Work for the state and deal with abused kids and crappy parents all day every day OR play punkrockdancepopcore every night in different locations across the country and live in a van? Seriously, which would you choose? If that’s not a “no-brainer,” I don’t know what is. And if you said “work for the state,” then just leave. Read another blog. Oh yeah, and submit your name to the “Lame Hall of Fame.” They induct people every year and you’re a shoo-in.

Problem is, if I don’t work for the state they say I am in “default,” and I have to pay all the tuition money back, which is a tidy, tidy sum. And if I don’t pay it back promptly, Bill Richardson (the governor of New Mexico and former Democratic Party presidential candidate) will come to my house with a Louisville Slugger and break my kneecaps. And I think it’s bad for my credit rating.

Hence the need to fake my own death.

So we were brainstorming ways to do it. Shane had some good ideas (and he has a corresponding blog about them here), but I wasn’t coming up with much.

My first idea was ground beef. I was thinking of throwing a bunch of ground beef and my sweatshirt in front of a train. That way, when I suddenly default on my contract and turn up missing, the authorities will discover my gory “remains” on the tracks. With my sweatshirt at the scene, the cops will have to conclude I’m dead. I think I would also throw in a fake suicide note to seal the deal.

But what if the cops DNA test the ground beef or something forensic like that? I would be up a ground beef creek without a paddle. Then, instead of the headlines reading “Promising young, extremely good looking social worker ends it all with grisly train track suicide,” they will read “Police find pile of ground beef, sweatshirt on train tracks.”

So logically my next idea was a clone. Everyone knows that in science fiction when people want to fake their own deaths they will make a clone of themselves, kill it and then get away scot-free.

But then again I’m not sure that technology even exists yet, and I imagine a clone-making vat costs more than college tuition. Plus, there would be all these moral dilemmas that weren’t there when it was just ground beef.

And so, with forensic science against me, limited funds, and pretty much only two ideas, I have decided not to fake my own death after all. Unless someone else comes up with some better ways to do it, and they don’t mind if I borrow them.

Until then, “Lame Hall of Fame” here I come.


  1. If you want I know many brown people, relatives in fact, who know how to cut without causing to much harm. I've seen their work, its very professional. It could be staged...of course for a small fee...Think about it:)
    p.s. Your clone is better looking.

  2. Ahem...why wasn't I informed of your blog...ahem. But since you are an amusing writer and made me laugh we will let this one slide. Perhaps it is becuase I am married and have kids therefore I am boring and would want to read your this the thought process?

  3. Sorry. My mom doesn't want family to know I write a blog because she doesn't want them to read it and judge her and think she raised me wrong because of the thing I write.

    Actually I just didn't know you would be interested.

    And, yes, you are married and are therefore boring.

  4. Question: Do you listen to Sufjan Stevens? Because your last two posts have seemed titled as so.
    Also, you need to get some syringes and fill one with blood every week or so and then stage one of those drowning in the river things after you've hidden under a bridge for a few days by putting torn, dirty and bloody clothes in the river. Then, get some fake documents for 3000 dollars, a hacker to make a fake past for 5000, and plane tickets to brazil. I don't know the going rate for brazilian real estate but it shouldn't be that bad. And band on the run it pretty awesome.

  5. That's funny about your mom! Of course I'm interested in reading your stuff. Cristine

  6. I haven't listened to much Sufjan Stevens (I have heard Illinois and it was ok), I'm just indecisive and have a hard time committing to a title, so I go with three.

  7. Compared to the above comments this is probably boring but blame it on my sociology background... first off, does the state of new mexico say that you have to graduate by a certain time in order for them to pay and for you not to be in default? and second, does your grad school program make you go year round? I'm just saying... put off being a boring old hall of lamer (aka: adult) as long as you can! haha. Take the summer off, go on tour, and then return to the "man" and be a cheerful robot for then on out.

  8. i think you could combine your ground beef and train idea with my jet engine idea for maximum carnage.

    and yeah man, i agree with Jes!

  9. Yeah, I would love to take the summer off and the contract says that if I'm not working by June I'm in default and have to pay it all back withing 18 months. Boooooooo.

    Good idea, Shane. I think even if I don't need to fake my own death I will still throw some ground beef into a jet engine because that sounds awesome!


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