Monday, November 17, 2008

Big K strikes again... but how? OR Mess with natural selection and reap the whirlwind

Listen: the other day in the news I heard about a 1,000 pound woman who was being charged with murder, which is unsettling on a lot of levels.

First of all, they were going to take her to prison, but then the authorities decided that since she is not able to move by herself, they would just put her on house arrest. Simple enough.

But wait! If she can’t move on her own, how was she able to murder someone? It boggles the mind. At least my mind is boggled, anyway. I can’t speak for everyone. They should make a CSI episode about the thousand pound murderess aka “Big K.”

I figure she must just sit in a bed all day and eat. How else would someone get to be 1,000 pounds? Maybe she watches TV too.

This tells me that there must be someone bringing her food or something because people that fat aren’t found in nature. Evolution or natural selection or whatever would have weeded them out long ago. For example, can you imagine a morbidly obese zebra? No, because he or she would be eaten by a lion the instant they got too fat to run, probably even sooner, like when they started slowing down.

Same thing with this lady: Big K would have been out of luck as soon as she got too fat to get out of bed. But in this case somebody kept feeding, cleaning (eeeeeeeeew!), taking care of and generally enabling this woman until she got to be 1,000 pounds, and I hope that person feels bad.

Now on to the murder: the article didn’t say who Big K killed, but I suspect it was her feeder. Maybe he had finally had enough and started talking to her about a diet. She gets upset and straight up eats Feeder with ketchup and a little salt and pepper. Motive and M.O. Case closed. That would be first degree murder, I guess. Or second degree? I don’t know.

Maybe Feeder had even gone so far as to put Big K on the diet and she was really hungry and just ate him out of desperation. That’s, like, manslaughter, right?

Or maybe Big K was just eating away and wasn’t paying attention. Perhaps Feeder got mixed in with the mass quantities of onion rings and bacon (or whatever else it takes to eat to become 1,000 pounds) and she accidentally ate him. An honest mistake. Shoot, that could happen to anybody!

Or maybe Feeder was over-feeding Big K on purpose so that he could take control of her assets (a person who can afford to eat all day has to have some sort of steady income) and she got hip to it and decided to kill him.

Or maybe Feeder was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and Big K accidentally rolled over on top of him and smothered him. Tragic? Yes. Murder? No.

Either way, that’s what you get when you mess with natural selection.


  1. oh my gosh, kristen is wondering why i am laughing so hard in the other room. that zebra picture is hilarious

  2. hahaha this totally made my day jacob - thank you!
    and i second shane about the zebra picture - totally hilarious!
    is it an original?

  3. Yes, it's original. I drew it special for this post.

  4. I had a dream about you last night!

    Yep, I'll leave it at that. Nothin' like racy dreams about near-strangers to start the week off wrong.

  5. You're right. All fat people, especially those who weigh almost 1,000 lbs, must sit around all day eating. How else can such morbid obesity be explained? It couldn't possibly be a symptom of a disease or a disability. It surely isn't because this person was born with a rare thyroid disease. I'll bet this lady from Texas has an automated spoon that makes it so she doesn't even have to shovel the bon bons into her mouth on her own.

    You know, other people have the same darn problem. It's so eery how people with, say, M.S. or autism, they wouldn't survive natural selection either. Does that mean we find them without worth? Look down upon them? Shun them from society? Perhaps eliminate them from society? Others have thought that way before as well.

    Zebras with mental illnesses (maybe depression?) wouldn't survive in the wild either. Some zebras wouldn't want to even get out of bed, maybe cry a lot, lose interest in school or work, lose contact with friends or family, perhaps even lose the will to go on anymore.

    A zebra who can't even drum up the gumption to get up to run sure couldn't outrun your damn lion. How is that different from obesity? And no, I'm not even close to being overweight, so don't pawn this post off on some bitter fat person. But I find you to be completely ignorant and uncaring in your views of people who **gasp** aren't just like you. I'll thank my diety of the day that so many people aren't.

  6. It is all for fun, but fair enough.

    OF COURSE I do not think that all overweight/mentally ill/differently abled people should die off or be eliminated from society. Good grief. Joke, joke, joke. It's a joke.

    I was actually inferring that instead of enabling someone we could get them support services to help them with their problems, not keep feeding them.

    Sorry I offended you, I never mean to offend anyone. And thanks for sticking up for differently abled people. Honest to goodness, that is a good thing to do.

  7. Cool zebra bro. You and I should both teach zebra drawing classes.

  8. Just on that collage thing at your house, and it was horrific.

  9. Actually CSI already did an episode about a murder that occurred during a convention for obese women who were proud to be big.
    There was a man who was attracted to obese women and had slept with several of them. One of his lovers confessed to the murder and said she'd done it out of jealousy.
    BUT the BIG KICKER/SURPRISE at the end was that the evidence revealed that he had actually been smothered to death, but the obese woman was more willing to admit to murder than to be on the news for having smothered her lover on accident.
    Kind of sad really.
    But, you are right --- when you really love someone, you DON'T ENABLE that behavior.
    And the zebra pic was funny.

  10. Oh yeah, Brennan draws good zebras. I remember now. One of them is on my living room wall and it's for sale. So check it out. All proceeds go to... me.


Commenting is good for your health! Or so I have read.