Ok ok ok. I have to – no, I need to – write something about Scully. You know, the red-haired FBI agent skeptic on the ‘90s cult sci-fi classic The X-Files? Yes, that Scully.
The last time I wrote about Scully was earlier this year on Valentine’s Day, so I figure enough time has passed that I can bring up the subject again.
Here’s my summary: Scully is beautiful, feisty and smart. She rocks the conservative pantsuit and high heels, yelled at Xzibit in the movie (and that dude is gangsta) and she knows everything about science and medicine and does at least one autopsy per episode.
Ok, so I’m in love with a made up character on a ‘90s science fiction show, which sounds like the pinnacle of pathetic-ness, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If loving Scully is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
I don’t watch a lot of TV, but this fall some friends recommended some shows, specifically the X-Files rip-offs Fringe and Eleventh Hour. Since The X-files is obviously off the air and I’ve already watched all the episodes on DVD a minimum of one hundred times each, I have a Scully-sized hole in my heart.
So I felt a little guilty but I started watching and I was horrified to learn that there are two women trying to take Scully’s place, and I’m not having it.
First, let’s talk about Fringe. Granted, I enjoy the show, and even though she’s an FBI agent Olivia Dunham can’t hold a candle to Scully. First of all, her voice is too deep and her hair is weird. In the first episode she was naked in a vat of chemicals with electrodes and sensors taped to her and it really didn’t do anything for me. If it had been Scully I would have been freaking out.
But anyway she’s also a whiner, like “My boyfriend was a traitor. Waaah!” Let me tell you something, Olivia: Scully would’ve already shot him in the face, gotten over him and started doing an autopsy.
And I’m pretty sure Olivia has already cried. Only three episodes and you’re already crying? Girl, please. The only time Scully cried was when she figured out that aliens had tampered with her ovaries and stolen all her eggs. I know if my eggs were stolen I would be upset too.
Second, there’s Eleventh Hour. There’s only been one episode but I can already tell that FBI Special Agent Rachel Young is trying too hard. In the first episode she was running around in a robe pointing a gun at people. Tacky. And she has weird eyes. I hate to say it but homegirl pretty much looks like Kermit the Frog with a ponytail. I’m sorry. It had to be said.
Plus, she’s not that smart. She’s basically a bodyguard to Jacob Hood, the show’s Mulder-ish character. And she can’t autopsy crap.
So ladies, if you can’t stand the heat, I suggest you stay the heck out of the science fiction kitchen.