This week I had to hold a dirty, malnourished baby girl while another social worker tried to find foster parents she could stay with since her own parents were clearly not doing their job.
It was at that moment I decided that people should have to get a license to reproduce.
For example, in our society we license people to drive because cars are dangerous so we have to be careful with who we have driving them. The same principle applies on a grander scale to reproducing: a bunch of unwanted/unplanned/neglected/poorly parented kids is dangerous because they grow into messed up adults that strain the judicial and welfare systems. Another similarity is a lot of people drive under the influence and a lot of people also reproduce under the influence.
Why not license people before they go spreading their genetic materials all around? If you haven’t noticed, some people are entirely too careless with their fluids. If a dog or cat is not spayed or neutered a lot of people consider that inhumane. Same idea with people.
So I say people should be relieved of their reproductive organs at an early age and have them put in cold storage. I’m sure if we got some corporate funding behind it we could develop a system to keep people’s stuff on ice until they decided they were ready for a child.
And once they decided they wanted a kid, we wouldn’t just give them their organs back right away. They’d have to earn them. They’d have to take parenting classes, prove they have enough income to support a child and pass a licensure exam.
Friend: Hey man, want to go out for some beers?
Prospective father: No thanks, I'm studying for my testicle exam. Me and Trixie are thinking of starting a family.
If they failed the test there would be an organ nazi who would say “No ovaries for you!”
And then they’d have to go back and study harder.
If they passed the test then they would get a cool card with their picture on it to keep in their wallet and they would get all their original equipment back.
They would also have to renew their license every few years.
And finally, before any fooling around goes on they would have to take a long, hard look at an ultrasound picture because those things are terrifying!
This is not even the scariest one I've seen. I've seen others that are way more horrifying.
Enthusiastic Pregnant Friend: Hey, look! Here's an ultrasound of my baby! Isn't he/she beautiful?
Me: Actually, I just peed my pants in sheer terror.
Anyway, if anything can discourage frivolous reproducing, it’s an ultrasound picture.
So until this whole licensure thing works out, reproduce responsibly.