Monday, September 8, 2008

Everyone knows Vikings can’t swim

I love summer but pool parties are depressing. People are always throwing them, but I can never go because I am hairy, chubby and blindingly white. Nobody wants to see that at their pool party.

Maybe I could get away with going if I were just hairy or just chubby or just blindingly white, but since I am all three it is just out of the question.

If they did a survey of “The top 5 things people don’t like to see at the pool” it would probably look like this:

1. Hairy people
2. Chubby people
3. Blindingly white people
4. Sharks
5. Jesse Barben

I don’t know much about genealogy, but I’m pretty sure my family tree has its hairy roots in Scandinavia, or wherever Vikings are from, because I have all their evolutionary adaptations. I mean, everyone knows Vikings had evolved to be wicked hairy and a little chubby to keep out the cold so they could sail around in long boats, wear horned helmets and pillage excessively without catching pneumonia.

The trouble is I don’t really need to pillage and I don’t even know where to buy a long boat or a horned helmet. I probably couldn’t even afford them if I did. Plus, it’s really hot where I live so all this Viking stuff has really outlived its usefulness. I guess there weren’t any pool parties in Scandinavia or Iceland or wherever. Eventually my descendents and I will hopefully evolve away from being hairy, white and chubby, but unfortunately that probably won't be in time for the next pool party.

I have a roommate who is sickly thin and as hairless as a naked mole rat, so maybe if we went to a pool party together we would average out to two normal people and could enjoy the pool party without fear of ridicule.

Or I could try and find someone hairier, whiter and chubbier than me, stand next to them and look pretty good in comparison.

I just never thought I would be showing up to parties seeking out fat hairy people.


  1. Lol, this cracks me up, man. I'm pretty sure the horny viking hat is still at our old apartment. you should call Daniel and have him ship it to you...

  2. sigh... oh jacob.... you're silly. but you're right, you do have naked molerats for roomies.


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