Monday, September 29, 2008

Banana bread bachelor

Recently I attended a party where I had to bring food. I brought banana bread and this woman ate some and then said to me, “This is amazing! Why aren’t you married?”

Apparently banana bread aptitude makes a man more marriageable.

But seriously: is baking banana bread really something women consider when they are dating somebody? I doubt it.

Girl #1: “How was your date with Wilford?”

Girl #2: “It was awesome! The conversation wasn’t very good, we didn’t have much chemistry and he’s kind of weird looking. But he makes amazing banana bread, so I think he’s the one.”

Not likely.

I’m not fooled. I know girls aren’t into banana bread, nor am I foolish enough to think they care if a man can cook.

I used to think women were only into money because I dated this one pretty girl, and, like most pretty girls, she was dating me and, like, seven other dudes at the same time. She ended up picking one of the other dudes over me, even though I thought he and I were evenly matched in most respects. I finally decided that it all went wrong on the first date when she asked “What’s your major?” and I answered “Social Work” and he answered “Dentistry.” Everyone knows that dentists trump social workers in the dating arena. Dentists easily make in one month quadruple what a social worker will make their entire career. Social workers work for dentists to supplement their social work incomes. A dentist comes home, sits in a reclining chair and shouts “Social worker! Bring me my slippers and the evening paper, and while you’re at it ask that other social worker what’s for dinner and then tell the other social worker to give the accessory chihuahua a bath and clip his toenails!”

But then I met some women who married elementary school teachers, who are also destined to live in squalor. Teaching is the only profession that makes less money and gets less respect than social work besides manure shoveling. Anyway, after that I decided it was because women only cared about looks.

Then I saw some women marry men who looked liked they should be behind the wheel of the Ugly-Mobile. In many cases they were also manure shovelers with no direction in life and just plain mean.

So not only is love blind, it is also poor, stupid and has bad self-esteem too. There is no rhyme or reason to who women end up loving, and I guess the bottom line is that I have no idea what women want, but I take comfort in knowing that they don’t know what they want either.

Oh, and I told the banana bread woman I’m not married because I was severely abused and have trouble forming emotional relationships. Not really, but that shut her right up.


  1. well its true, your banana bread is absolutely amazing.
    a friend of mine was also completely stumped as to why you aren't married yet. i'll have to tell her what you said.
    and the fact that you check people in the face with your shoulder too much. haha - jk jacob. this week should be good now!

  2. You're right. Women don't know what they want. But they'll know it when they see it. Except for those girls who end up marrying guys as ugly as sin ... they're just messed up. kidding, kidding. But hey, a guy that can cook is in high demand. I haven't had your banana bread (I don't really need to because mine is amazing) but your pumpkin bread is possibly from another world. It's amazing. I tried making it — just not as good.

  3. Hm, I'm not sure my husband even knows how to turn on an oven, much less combine ingredients to create something edible. I say you've got something going for ya'!

  4. gah, i HATE IT when people say that. people said that ALL THE FREAKING TIME in high school to me. "gurl! you're so cute. and you play guitar. why ain't you got a boo?!" 5 years later and now i gots a boo. but NOW errrrbody round here is like, "gurl! you have 2 years of college AND you speak Japanese!!! Why ain't chu got a job yet?!" why they gotta be so irratatin?! gah! I DON'T KNOW WHY. WHY DON'T YOU HIRE ME?! i am convinced. sometimes it don't matter ish if you're qualified. mr."i can't pass a drug test" is still gonna get the job. but it still don't mean he's better than me. or you.

  5. What is banana bread? Is it like banana cake? If it is, I don't want it.

    Cooking is a survival skill.

    Anyone digs anyone who can cook. Or atleast they should.


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