Monday, August 4, 2008

Keep your spectrum to yourself

Hey! Guess what? I'm a little gay. But don't look so smug because, statistically, so are you. And if you're gay, you might be interested to know that you're a little straight.

How can this be? According to a study by Alfred Kinsey, there's a sexuality "spectrum" ranging from "fully heterosexual" to "fully homosexual" and everything in between.

But what will really upset some people is that the study says there are very few "full" heterosexuals and also very few "full" homosexuals, and most people fall somewhere in the middle, like a bell curve.

I can see it so clearly now. I guess the evidence has been piling up for years but didn't want to admit it.

First of all, I don't like sports, so that knocks me down a notch. The only sport I am interested in is NASCAR, which is scarcely a sport at all, and frankly I'd just rather admit to being partially gay.

I don't like to hunt, and everyone knows that killing an animal with a high powered weapon, hanging its taxidermied head on your wall and maybe eating the rest of it is a cornerstone of heterosexual masculinity.

I also like to cook, but I'm not talking barbecues only. I baked a pie once. Strike three.

On the flipside, I do like cars and have some experience maintaining them. Score one for me.

So on the sexuality index I started out at 100 percent heterosexual, lost three hetero points and got one back, so I figure I'm about 80 percent straight, and we all know 80 percent is a passing grade. Whew.

Ok, so I'm just facetiously stereotyping and that stuff has nothing to do with the study. I don't necessarily agree with the study, but I am wondering what would happen if ultraconservative people get hold of this information.

They'll start suspecting one another, like: "You're a homosexual, I knowed it!" Then they'll all claim to be the true blue, 100 percent heterosexuals and start some kind of ultraconservative witch hunt for those of lesser sexual percentages.

Uh oh. I just remembered that sometimes I read instructions, so I better go back and re-calculate my score.