I think I'm in trouble. I hate to say it, but girls aren’t into hairy dudes. I think they might have been in the past, but not anymore.
These days, girls only want a guy who is slightly hairier than they are. Which leaves me out in the cold because I can grow a beard in about 30 seconds, and the rest of me is correspondingly hairy.
I think I was born in the wrong decade because in the 70s body hair was king. Everyone had chest hair and sideburns and mustaches for days and it was hot. If I was living in the 70s I would have been a sexy, sexy man and an object of much feminine desire.
Take James Bond for example: all the "007"s of yesteryear had chest hair like a grizzly bear, but Daniel Craig, the newest Bond, is like a hairless cat. I'm afraid he is just a reflection of the changing times.
Being hairy is one of those things that I can joke about all day long, like I might say things like, “Ha ha, I’m the missing link.”
But if someone else tries to make a joke about it, I get mad.
Some dude: “Hey, man. You’ve got hairy arms. You're like 'An American Werewolf in London,' ha ha.”
Me: “Yeah, except we're not in London, jerk! And your mom has hairy arms.”
But things come in and out of style, so I’m figuring it’s only a matter of time until we have a Body Hair Renaissance and it becomes cool to be hairy again. I can’t wait.
And when that joyous day comes, we can usher it in with a parade. The parade will consist of lots of floats with hairy dudes with button-up shirts that have the first two buttons undone so that awesome tuft of chest hair will be crawling out.
Happy body hair day everyone! Send me a card.